Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Lying To Ourselves

Bashir Bilour’s martyrdom, understandably, resulted in an outpour of sympathy and support. Unlike his brother, I have only heard good things about Bashir Bilour who was brave and steadfast in his stand against terrorism.

The attack on Bilour has reignited the debate on terrorism and its remedies, but with strong emotional overtones. That is a dangerous road to take.

Fahd Hussain and Feisal Naqvi are two people you can read and be assured that, mostly, they will talk sense. Emotion though often trumps reason, and this has been an emotional week. Yet what they betrayed in their moment of anger, of hopelessness, of pretty much sheer emotion, is that they, like many of our “intellectuals”, live in a bubble which doesn’t have much to do with reality.

I know this might not be the best time to burst this bubble, with grief and emotion still in the air, but I believe it is necessary if we are to overcome the menace of terrorism. I believe we owe Bashir Bilour some honesty.

Fahd and Feisal, the former more than the latter, lamented our inaction regarding the Taliban threat. One asked “what would it take for us to wake up?” and the other branded us cowards, over and over again, urging the Pakistani state to “take off its bangles and pick up the gun.”

This is the basic bubble, the belief that we haven’t fought back. Put simply, it is a myth of Mayan proportions.

By my reckoning, there are 4 distinct conflicts going on inside the country. The Balochistan crisis, the sectarian targeting of Shias (more massacre then conflict, I know), the political war in Karachi and the Taliban or TTP’s war with Pakistan.

Precious human lives, Pakistani lives, are lost in all of these, with none more equal than the other, right?

What has been our reaction to the first three conflicts?

Balochistan has been left on its own, with the FC tasked with both manning the borders and policing its vast interior, which largely means fighting off the Baloch nationalist/separatist elements. Meanwhile many have accused government figures of running the kidnapping for ransom rackets, apart from smuggling and other minor offences.

Shias have been pretty much mocked. No relief whatsoever and the press’ flirtations with them seem to have run the course now that their ISI funded champion of democracy, Nawaz Sharif, has formed an electoral alliance with ASWJ.

Karachi? MQM-ANP-PPP have been rewarded for the slaughter with five years in government and various plaudits by the intellectual community as harbingers of a secular and progressive Pakistan.

Let’s now review the “inaction” and “surrender” against the Taliban.

The military has been in the tribal areas since 2002. At present there are more Pakistani Army troops, roughly 140,000, in the “bad lands” than the total foreign troops occupying all of Afghanistan. Numerous operations have been conducted by the military in almost all of the tribal agencies and some adjoining areas, the most notable in Swat and South Waziristan, the former hub of TTP.

Not exactly turning the other cheek, is it?

They HAVE our attention. This is the ONLY battle we have chosen to fight, and we have been fighting, using the Army and the Pakistan Air Force, for years now. It is time to accept that, mostly because it’s the truth. It’s fact. People have died fighting, people have been killed and hundreds of thousands of IDPs are testament to it.

The second bubble is the numbers bubble. Feisal Naqvi quoted the 10,000 figure as the number of people killed by TTP in a previous article. Emotion however got the better of him this time and he resorted to a higher number, 20K civilians and 3K LEAs. Fahd Hussain went with the standard issue 40K number.

This is again false narration which lingers because we avoid specifics, and although it might appear to be a moot point, it is not.

The number of people killed by suicide bombings is 5 to 6 thousand. The official number of people, civilians and LEAs, killed by terrorists, including those in suicide bombings, was close to 10K at the start of 2011 and independent sources now put it anywhere from 15K-20K.

What we hear all the time though is the 40 thousand killed. Want to know why?

The combined death toll, killed by the army and by the terrorists, is where the 40 K comes from and depending on your source ranges from a low of 35K to a high of 44K by SATP.

I have failed to find the government’s tally on it, but by all independent accounts that I have come across, the military has killed more people, and possibly more civilians (12K from just 2008-2010 by one independent account), than the terrorists.

This is why anyone who actually knows this will never say “TTP killed 40K”. They will always say “Terrorism has killed 40K” Or “We have lost 40K to terrorism”.

That 40K has thousands and thousands of what are the "forgotten dead" of Pakistan. Numbering easily more than victims of suicide attacks in the last 10 years, these are the cursed civilians killed by their own military, lumped with the terrorists and disowned by the Pakistani press.

Why? Why has our “vibrant” media let the vile military off the hook when they have killed thousands and thousands of innocent civilians in collateral damage?

Because collateral damage occurs in military operations, silly!!

Because military operations is what every pure breed human rights campaigner and progressive intellectual wants. Because if military operations are the cause of deaths of thousands of civilians, then what the hell am I supposed to sell?

The 40K thus remains intact and opaque, quietly drowning the forgotten dead in it even as the number is used to build a narrative in support for what killed them in the first place; military operations.

The last bubble is the bubble of ideology.

For some as yet undiscovered reason, a lot of people believe that they are on the left. They relate with leftist figures abroad and make fun of FOX News.

In an amusing twist, Mr. Naqvi pointed to the Newtown massacre and how the NRA punctured any chances of gun law reforms in the US. The irony is somehow lost on him but what he’s saying, using Patton’s golden words, is pretty much what the NRA have said, i.e.

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun; is a good guy with a gun”.

Here’s the thing.

We HAVE been fighting this enemy, and we have been fighting it, militarily, for longer than any other enemy in the last two decades. We HAVE KILLED thousands and thousands of terrorists, but even more of our own, innocent, people. And we don’t talk about them because that tells us the real ugly truth; we are becoming what we fight.

Understand this; when we kill thousands in collateral and don’t even care, don’t even acknowledge, and when we talk about drawing blood and about digging up corpses, the
Taliban have already won!

We are all in this together. We all need the madness to stop. We all mean well and we might be angry and grieved at this hour, but lying to ourselves won’t solve anything.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

The Elusive Last Straw

I am such an idiot. I thought we should get that out of the way early.

Remember September?

When the whole blasphemy video thing happened? When the PPP “capitulated” to the religious right?

I remember certain people, who hold sway in the media, people who claim to be on the left, being deeply scarred by all of it. I remember their anger and outrage, and I remember them finally running out of patience with their beloved party.

I remember it being “the last straw”. And I remember believing them.

See. Idiot.

Corruption, poverty and just plain slaughter that goes on in Karachi everyday is not of much concern for the intellectually gifted. It’s the pandering to the religious right, the targeting of minorities and the evil machinations of the military that fuel their fury.

Admirable. And perhaps why September seemed like a turning point; a last straw. It was and it wasn’t.

September was a last straw that came after many last straws, and many last straws have come after it. Many will come. What will change? Nada.

There might be some noise made when the circumstances don’t allow otherwise, like in September, but most last straws don’t even register. The camel quite obviously is on steroids and the last straw is but a myth.

Proof, you ask me?

Well, what do you know about the Sunni Ittehad Council? Forget that religious parties are inherently against the “we want a secular state” brigade, the SIC also openly supported Mumtaz Qadri. Mumtaz Qadri, in case you have trouble recalling, is the man who killed Salman Taseer. Salman Taseer, in case you have more trouble recalling, is the man certain people remember every day as the hero who fought darkness, the knight in shining armour and other stuff in that category.

Now, there’s been an alliance involving the SIC and a “liberal” party Salman Taseer called his own. Et tu, anyone? Well, no one, at least no one in the “independent” media and hence; no last straw.

Moving on we observe that the independent media doesn’t only exercise its independence by giving the PPP a free pass. Enter Pakistan Muslim League Nawaz, hail Nawaz Sharif, the lord and owner of Punjab. There’s a strange kind of love for his highness Nawaz Sharif in our “leftist” press, despite his very Zia-ish roots.

I first noted that last year and asked Mr. Nadeem F Paracha about this most peculiar phenomenon. A reply has not been forthcoming.

It so happens that the saviours of our Shia community never question PMLNs shady links with Lashkar-e-Jhangvi, past or present. And whilst PMLN might have entered into a declared alliance with ASWJ again, during the by-polls, chances are Sana Bucha will talk about the weather when Mr. Sharif graces her show.

Here too the last straw, needless to say, remains unattainable.

What about the military then?

Military = Evil. So, Military+PMLN+PPP = Outrage. This is just simple math, right?

Not quite.

All of you will be pleased to know that in light of Supreme Court’s Asghar Khan case judgement, which stated that military was indeed involved in rigging elections, PPP have done the honourable thing.

The party proudly announced that they will not be probing Punjab owner Nawaz Sharif for taking ISI money and the Asghar Khan case was, their words not mine; buried.

The military interference and the ISI money and the stealing of the people’s mandate; all forgiven. Surely this is the bloody last straw?

In your horny dreams.

So to recap, in the space of a half a week, the PPP and PMLN have combined to

1) Protect election rigging, the famed will of the people.
2) Give cover to military interference and protect culprits in this regard.
3) Form alliances with sectarian outfits blamed for much of the violence against Shias in the country.
4) Form alliances with religious outfits supporting the murder of a sitting governor over the blasphemy law.

And yet no last straw. Actually, no straw at all.

Since 3rd December, when SIC-PPP alliance came to light, till today, 9th, here’s how the honest and upright, the “dissenters”, have reacted:

Express Tribune, famous for their knack of spotting ASWJ flags, did not have an editorial on ASWJ-PMLN, nor did these teary-eyed Taseer fans give space to PPP-SIC. The newspaper also abstained from commenting on PPPs general amnesty for military interference.

Not a single one of Tribune’s “always excellent” op-ed writers was bothered by these trivial happenings. In fact the folks in this “newspaper”, God bless their unbiased heart, did not even report the SIC-PPP alliance.

Dawn News did not see it fit to write an editorial on ASWJ-PMLN, PPP-SIC or Amry-PPP-PMLN. They did not publish a single op-ed column on these developments as well.

Zero editorials or op-eds by The Nation. I could go on.

Beyond pathetic isn’t it. Depressing even.

All is not lost though, for these people will find their voices again once the PPP and PMLN are not in the picture.

Now when that happens, and it will happen, I would be thankful if everyone, respectfully, tells them to take their appreciation for Taseer, their concern for the Shias, their disdain for the deep state, alongside that elusive last straw, and shove it up their ass.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Obama, Israel & America's Problem

Change never came to America. Guantanamo was never closed, American support for dictators never waned, the Bush war crimes never made it to court and Obama added a few of his own. In fact, murder has been made legal by a man whose supporters oppose the death penalty.

On top of it America’s “unique (read shameless) defence partnership” with Israel continues at the cost of blown up children.

I think most American liberals realize this, even if they won’t admit it. The left in the US would have been appalled by all that Obama has done if it were John McCain doing it. So why haven’t they lashed out against Barack? The “our guy” mentality? Perhaps. But is there more to it?

Mitt Romney talked after defeat about Obama giving things to certain groups and, in a way, he was correct. Obamacare, birth control, gay marriage, immigration and taxing the rich, Obama has pushed, or at least talked about pushing, the right buttons for his support groups.

While the left counts it's victories, human rights and peace are the casualties and there’s no one left to talk about them. Where once an American liberal was criticizing the right for Bush bombing everything that moved, he would now say “See, our guy is bombing people too” pointing to Pakistan, Libya or Yemen.

Obama has thus single-handedly killed the “Let’s stop bombing people” argument from mainstream American discourse.

In the context of Israel’s latest killing spree, all of this looks particularly depressing, especially for people outside the USA. Obama had given hope not only to Americans, but also to many victims of US foreign policy. That got a boost recently with the frosty relationship between Obama and the Israeli Prime Minister. So to see Barack perfectly adapt to the role of Netanyahu’s bitch leaves us with one question.

What the hell happened?

Well, AIPAC is one answer. Money is the other.

The American Israeli Public Affairs Committee has been accused of spying for Israel in the past. Apart from that, AIPAC is the most prominent, and arguably most powerful, of the many PACs that lobby for Israel in Washington.

According to MapLight, Pro-Israel groups’ contribution to US Congressional campaigns in the last 2 years stood at $ 9.9 million. By contrast, Pro-Arab groups contributed a whopping $ 85,950 over the same period. These groups have considerable influence on US foreign policy, and use anti-Semitism propaganda against anyone who challenges the Israeli right wing narrative, stifling space for debate.

Still, they aren’t the root of the problem, or the decisive factor in formulation of American foreign policy. That crown goes to money.


Obama wasn’t always the stout Israeli he is today. Before becoming a United States Senator he was actually very perceptive of the woes of Palestinian people. As you make your way up the American political ladder though you need some financing, and that is where the likes of AIPAC come in, along with banks, oil companies, defence contractors and other assorted do-gooders.

The American political system ensures that the financing bug catches you early, before you make an impact on the national stage. So the powers that be can mould any young aspiring politician in their own image before the general population catches a glimpse of him/her.

And it doesn’t end there. As a politician aspires for higher office, he needs bigger cheques and as the cheques get bigger, the conscience gets smaller. It simply doesn’t matter then who’s the guy running for office.

This is why despite stabbing America in the back, and then slitting her throat, the bankers were paid upwards of 7 trillion dollars by the US Government. Meanwhile, the much vaunted Dodd-Frank, a bill meant to regulate said bankers, never saw the light of day. Now these are people that hurt Americans, that have public opinion stacked against them enough to ignite the occupy wall-street protests. They got 7 trillion dollars.

That’s the power of money in the United States political system.

The foreign policy isn’t too different from the monetary policy in that it is also dictated by campaign contributors like AIPAC, oil companies and defence contractors. And while these are devastating for the rest of the world, they also harm the general American public.

The media machine can spin it as much as it wants, but when you support occupation and dictators, oppress the people and use holy warriors to fight the USSR, there is bound to be blowback. It is not because “they hate our freedom”.

Apart from global enmity towards Americans, which often has violent manifestations, there are other repercussions for them. Many freedoms that the American people fought hard to attain over decades have been forfeited as a consequence of their campaign contributor devised foreign policy.

Think the Patriot Act and what it has done to privacy in the United States, and of course President Obama now has the authority to murder any American he wants. Think the $ 1.3 trillion the US has spent on wars in Afghanistan and Iraq while American schools face budget cuts and teacher layoffs.

Not a pretty picture is it. There are people in the US who realize all of this and are trying to push back. So far though, it’s not working.

This is because as much as money in politics is a curse, it does not hold a candle to money in the media.

The run-up to the 2012 US Presidential election threw up two candidates that could have changed things.

Ron Paul has been an outspoken critic of America’s foreign and monetary policy for a very long time. His supporters thought this could be his year, but if you oppose the system, it strikes back.

The media machine, subservient to money, did a tremendous and sometimes brutal job of destroying Paul’s candidacy. Even with Paul polling 2nd or 3rd in Republican primaries, the anchors at CNN, MSNBC and especially FOX, simply refused to discuss him. When he was given airtime it was to criticize, mock or dismiss his campaign.

His stances were against most power wielders in America, i.e. campaign contributors. In the end, Paul announced he would stop active campaigning, shockingly, because of a lack of funds.

The other candidate to challenge the system went straight for the jugular; money. Buddy Roemer didn’t mince words. He rejected the “Washington is broken” line, insisting that it was corrupted. The corrupter of course was money, so Roemer designed his campaign in a way that would protect him from influence.

According to his website, Roemer accepted no PAC or Super PAC money. He did not accept contributions from any corporation and not from lobbyists. Contributions were accepted only from the general public, fully disclosed and topped off at $100.

He really was asking for it. The GOP and the media never invited him to any of the 23 republican debates and if it wasn’t for an appearance on the Colbert Report, many people wouldn’t have known he was running for President.

Roemer and Paul looked like serious men and, whatever the merits of their positions, actually talked about policy. The media however spent more time promoting a candidate who didn’t know what Libya was and one who wanted the Moon to become the 51st American state.

This didn’t happen only because journos are stupid assholes, it happened because the media is corrupt. Everything on it is monitored and controlled by the people who pay the bills, and there are marked lines you are not allowed to cross. When the lines are crossed, retribution is savage.

Dan Rather was a CBS anchor for 24 years and probably bought his own lies about freedom in America. One fateful day he did the story about George W. Bush going AWOL back when America was bringing democracy to Vietnam. He was shown the door.

Rick Sanchez is another one. He suggested, and later apologized for suggesting, that Jews controlled the American media. He was proved wrong by a prompt firing from CNN.

Therefore, it’s safe to say that the media doesn’t provide information, it filters information. In doing so it protects the interests of those with money. Hence you see top CNN whore Wolf Blitzer running for cover in Israel as actual journalists are targeted and killed in Gaza.

There is still dissent that gets through, but the system works overtime to plug the gaps. With Obama, the establishment has found the way to shut up the increasingly annoying folks at Hollywood, and the Bill Mahers and the Jon Stewarts. And when the left isn’t going to call you out because you have bought their man, you can do whatever you want.

The politicians are under control on both sides, be it republican or democrat, in both houses, Congress and the Senate. The media makes sure that doesn’t change, it makes sure the focus is not on real issues and it obfuscates repercussions of money-driven policy.

Thus the policies don’t change and the atrocities never stop. In the end, what the American people get to choose is only the colour of the man who will do war crimes in their name.

Black just means lesser dissent.

"I’ve been in this business a long time and believe me there is essentially no difference from one administration to another no matter what the platforms.... The foreign policy stays the same, the monetary policy stays the same." – Ron Paul, on Obama and Romney.

Friday, 19 October 2012

Numbers of Terror.

A while back I came across a claim regarding Pakistan’s human loss in the so called War on Terror; 43,733 Pakistanis have been killed by the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan. Nothing startling, the TTP have all the requisite appetite for mass murdering, not to mention the tools and the 40,000+ figure has been doing the rounds for a while. Yet this was not just anyone stating the figure, it was a retired army brigadier and current “security analyst”.

Here is the claim.

Since the man had some security credentials, and since he had the number down to the last digit, I thought he would be a good person from whom to inquire about the source of the figure and break down of the casualties.

Mr. Munir however instructed me to use Google and find out myself. I did what I was told, and I would like to share what I found.

Google showed that the 40,000 plus innocent Pakistanis killed by terrorists figure is used basically by the who’s who of Pakistani journalists, which meant it couldn't be true. Predictably enough, I wasn't able to find any article quoting the source. The first source I found with any detail of the data was a blog by the name of FATA Awareness Initiative.

The FATA Awareness Initiative blog has data till the mid of 2011 and claims that terrorist attacks across the country have left 10,268 civilians and 3,549 security personnel dead since 2003. Total therefore comes up to near 14,000. The method for data collection isn’t clear.

The South Asia Terrorism Portal was seemingly more credible. At the time of quoting they had data till October 14, 2012.

The SATP believe that since 2003 14,510 civilians and 4,687 security personnel have been killed in Pakistan by terrorists. This would add up for a total of around 20,000.

The SATP website claims that figures are compiled from news reports and are provisional. The website also states that for the years of 2011 and 2012, these figures include killings in Karachi.

Note that in both cases, the FATA blog and the South Asian Terrorism Portal, very high numbers of terrorist fatalities are reported. SATP reports as many as 24,930 terrorist/insurgents killed by the Pakistani security forces.

It is not clear if this number includes civilians killed by the security forces. A report titled “War Related Death and Injury in Pakistan” by Neta C. Crawford, Boston University, available on the internet could suggest so.

According to the report, in the three years of 2008, 2009 and 2010 around 12,000 Pakistani civilians died at the hands of their own military. The number of dead terrorists in the SATP data also spiked against these three years.

The report cites two sources, the Pakistan Institute of Peace Studies and the US National Counter-terrorism Centre, to suggest that during the same 3 years somewhere in the range of 7,000 to 8,000 Pakistani civilians were killed by terrorists.

In short, more Pakistani civilians died at the hands of Pakistani military during the operations than by terrorist attacks, for the 3 years.

The data thus far, however well researched, is still not official and mostly based on media reports, therefore the deviations. It wasn't until I came across a report by the Islamabad Policy Research Institute for any official data to come to light. In the IPRI’s report titled “Pakistan: A Victim of Terrorism - III”, the Government of Pakistan, Interior Ministry data is presented.

According to the Interior Ministry of Pakistan statistics quoted in the IPRI report, up till January 2011, 7770 civilians and 2704 personnel of Law Enforcing Agencies had been killed by terrorists, or the TTP.

This amounts to a total of 10474 Pakistanis killed by the terrorists, till January 2011. Either they have killed over 30,000 more in the last year and a half, or some people in the media have their facts horribly wrong.

Speaking of horribly wrong facts, there are some to be found about the terrorism in Karachi, aka target killings. A conservative estimate presented in the Friday Times by A.K Chisti suggests that in the year 2011 approximately 1,891 people were killed by in the city, bringing total death toll to around 7,000 from 2007-2011.

I call it conservative because according to Human Rights Commission of Pakistan 1,138 people were killed in Karachi just in the first 6 months of 2011. The figure for the first 6 months of 2012, according to HRCP, is 1,257 dead.

That means over 8 thousand people have been killed by Karachi terrorist groups. The Pakistan Body Count website tracks suicide bombings and drone attacks in the country. PBC puts the death toll from suicide bombings at 5,246 and from drone attacks at 3,028.

What that means is that the Karachi terrorists have killed roughly the same number of people as killed by suicide bombings and drone attacks, combined.

The most significant figure in all of this though is 0.

0 is the number of times drone strikes have been suggested as a way to tackle the deadly terrorists in Karachi.

0 is the number of military operations conducted during the last 5 years to flush out the terrorists from Karachi.

0 is the number of media houses, or personalities, willing to even name the Karachi terrorists.

Chances of Pakistan winning its fight against terrorism with such blatant hypocrisy crippling the discourse?


Sunday, 7 October 2012

Saroop’s Moral Nihilism

This is regarding Saroop Ijaz’s latest masterpiece; Game of Drones. While I enjoy baseless allegations as much as the next person, I could not help but notice that Mr. Ijaz was particularly flamboyant in labelling Imran Khan “cowardly” and accusing him of not only surrendering before the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan, but also “elevating their ideology of murder to the mainstream”.

The esteemed lawyer, however, has based his rather unsavoury characterization of Imran Khan on two flimsily constructed falsehoods.

For one, Saroop claimed that Imran Khan “has sought and successfully received the permission of the Taliban” for his march. This is tantamount to taking most indecent liberties with the truth and there is no story filed by this newspaper that suggests otherwise. Second is the claim that the PTI received an “offer of protection from the militants”, which is also a, blatant and most obnoxious, lie. This newspaper carried a story confirming that it is indeed a distasteful falsehood.

If the exalted lawyer had spent a little less time looking up words like “nihilism” and a little more time checking facts, the glaring errors and their implied apocalyptic consequences could have been avoided. There is though scant evidence to suggest Mr. Ijaz wasn’t familiar with the facts, i.e. the lying wasn’t on purpose.

These two utterly incorrect statements allow Saroop to go on what is a thinly veiled slandering rant against an imagined foe. As unmerciful as he is dishonest, Mr. Ijaz creates a whole host of hypothetical scenarios where Imran Khan is colluding with the Taliban in every atrocity imaginable, and adds yet more lies along the way.

For example, at one point in his grand stand against the forces of evil, Mr. Ijaz claims “Mr Khan and other anti-drone activists lump them together with terrorists”, them being the “innocent who died as collateral damage to drone strikes”.

Let me belabour the obvious; not only is Saroop astonishingly nonsensical, he is also despicably dishonest. It takes a special kind of demented Neanderthal to make such an accusation.

The activists who have worked to highlight civilian deaths while Mr. Ijaz watched with glee as drones fought “these militants” (Yes, he turns drone apologist and labels everyone militant IN THIS VERY ARTICLE) do not deserve such vile slander. Neither does a leader who called on the USA to reveal identities of drone victims so we know the militant from the innocent.

It is no doubt “contemptuous and contemptible” to accuse the very people struggling to separate innocent and guilty of doing the exact opposite. Shame, or for that matter dignity, appear alien to Saroop.

Now, the lazy explanation for these factual inconsistencies would be that Saroop Ijaz is a pathological liar with an unhealthy bias against the barbaric Imran Khan. However, we must not rush to conclusions, as there are other plausible explanations for Saroop’s latest intellectual obscenity.

Consider the fact that Imran Khan asked for security from the tribes of Waziristan. Now it wouldn’t be wholly unreasonable to assume that Saroop is a CIA operated drone and mistook the tribals for militants, a very common issue with these mechanical remote weapons of destruction. If that is the case Saroop should be taken into custody by the relevant authorities for reverse engineering.

In the highly unfathomable circumstance that Saroop Ijaz is steadfast in his statements; an even more disconcerting scenario arises. Saroop Ijaz then most probably is a member of the TTP, for how else would he be privy to secret TTP information not available in the public sphere. With a heavy heart, ET should hand him over to the police for questioning.

An interesting theory that cannot be ruled out is that this was the first in a series of “what if” columns from Mr. Ijaz. In that the events he mentions have no basis in this reality, they might have taken place in an alternate universe and Saroop feels most obliged to decipher their impact and implications on that parallel dimension. So vociferous is the man’s appetite for knowledge that our single, linear version of reality appears most discombobulating to him.

All so fascinating.

In closing it must be stressed that printing an article that is no less than an accusation of aiding and abetting terrorism, against a public figure on a peace march no less, is a very serious matter. Doing so relying on assumptions, based in turn on complete lies and invented facts, not to mention Neanderthal logic, is graver still.

It is therefore to be expected that Express Tribune check the alarming quantity of lies and appalling quality of bias in their columns. Hiring thesaurus savvy delusional hate-mongers is a most inadvisable endeavour.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Plight Of The Left

The last week and a half was not the best time to be a liberal in Pakistan.

First, the so called capitulation of the Pakistan People’s Party Government to the religious right in the shape of that holiday. Really went down well that decision.

A more severe blow came as ANP stalwart and porn king Ghulam Bilour announced a $100,000 bounty for the filmmaker behind “Innocence of Muslims”. Not only that, he asked his “brothers” from Al-Qaeda and the Taliban to help.

Raja Pervez Ashraf has since distanced the Pakistan government from Bilour’s statement and views, as have the ANP. Talk of Ghulam Bilour being disciplined by the government or party has quickly died down.

The usual “betrayal by the PPP” line has been picked up by many in the liberal press and on social media, regards to their latest so called appeasement of the religious right. Granted there’s some genuine anger, but it will subside by next weekend and liberals will return to “their” party.

Until next time. And the time after that, and so on and so forth. Never realizing that PPP is not “their” party and it hasn’t been for a long time. But hey, better denial than anger, right?

As much as everyone wants to forget, this is a party whose lawmaker believes they have a right to corruption and defended that right on TV. That’s their ideology: corruption. They genuinely believe that they have the right to loot and steal and make money in all imaginable and unimaginable ways. Co-Chairman of PPP and President of Pakistan Asif Zardari - of course - wrote the book on said ideology and the exploits of Prime Minister Gillani are well known now.

Is there anything liberal or leftist about those two? The son of a tribal chief and a “Gaddi Nasheen”. Or about Rehman Malik? Or Raja Pervez Ashraf?

Truth is PPP doesn’t resemble a leftist party at all. Mian Mithu cancels more than Raza Rabbani, shut up. It is an apolitical entity at best and a criminal empire at worst.

Meanwhile everyone in the “party” wants a piece of the pie, which happens to be Pakistan. The ministers, the MNAs and the MPAs, down to the “jiyalas”. While MNAs get ephedrine quotas, the Jiyalas are rewarded with governmental jobs and paid bundled salaries as per the reinstatement policy. This is their politics, this is how loyalties are bought and/or strengthened.

Add to it the cult status in Sindh and new voter hiring through Benazir Income Support Program and you have a robust machine that doesn’t need to care about the left, or the right. They can afford to just do nothing, and that’s actually what they do; nothing.

So whoever shouts the loudest at them, or whoever cuts a deal, gets what they want.

Therefore, this talk of a betrayal just sounds desperate.

Liberals are a non factor for the PPP. They are useful for painting a good picture in the press, and maybe in front of Washington. So the PPP uses them, gets the columns in, gets two wise old men on TV to sing their praises and then settles to the right of Jamaat-e-Islami on Friday.

Why do the liberals go back? Well, partly because many are deeply invested in the PPP, either financially or emotionally, and partly because seemingly there’s nowhere else to go.

ANP, although staunchly secular, is more a regional party and would never be able to press ahead liberal agendas nationally. The worry now is that ANP have not only fallen prey to the disease of corruption, they have also taken up arms in Karachi. And once you cross those lines, there’s not much reason for you to shy away from anything else.

That’s where Bilour’s statement came from. Expect more of the same from ANP in an election year with anti-Americanism rife in KPK.

So what do the liberals do? The worst thing possible, of course.

The advance guard of PPP propagandists has already set foot in the MQM camp. Apparently, Altaf Hussain is the new benchmark for progressive and secular ideals and must be championed for his bravery and other assorted bullshit.

Make no mistake - the MQM is one of the biggest most lethal terrorist organizations in the world. According to Wikileaks the US believes MQM have 10,000 active fighters and 25,000 reserves in their ranks and draw funding through an extortion racket which is one of the most effective and punishing in the world. Granted MQM does have a political wing but that hasn’t made the killing or extortion go away.

Needless to say, this is a death-trap. MQM has the blood of thousands on its hands, and as other ethnic groups in Karachi start to fight for a share of the spoils, represented by yours liberally PPP and ANP of course, the violence will only increase.

I know that the propagandists have to earn bread and have already killed their conscience. They know all of the above better than me, and are not in the slightest bit bothered. The rest of you lot need to realize that this will not work, and it is not working.

The liberal cause has only suffered in the hands of the PPP, ANP and MQM the last 5 years and space for the right has expanded. These are people who do not care about any law and they don’t care about human life, what to speak of an ideology.

Pakistan needs all the liberals and progressives it can get, but their continued indulgence with the PPP and now MQM renders them indefensible and takes away any moral authority. Calls for introspection are raised regularly by the left. They would do well to know charity begins at home.

If a day’s mayhem in Islamabad shook your confidence in the Pakistan People’s Party while four years of slaughter in Karachi did not, you need to take a hard look in the mirror.

Please stop prioritizing ideology over humanity. It is time to start over.

Monday, 24 September 2012

A Different Pakistan

By this time most papers have stated the obvious about what went wrong on Friday along with the perceived causes. Subjects dealt with included freedom of speech vs. hate speech, Terry Jones and background of filmmaker Nakoula Bassey Nakoula, provocation and our stupid response, and to top it all off, shock and disgust at the violent nature of protests.

The analysis of what went down and why, at least in most of the English press, confirmed my long standing suspicion. I live in a different Pakistan.

In the Pakistan that I inhabit, violent protests erupted just a few months ago due to loadshedding and people actively hunted for MNAs. It resulted in many deaths along with damage to property. In recent memory mobs have burned people for blasphemy, while earlier the fate of two brothers in Sialkot was even harsher.

Needless to say, if the people catch you while committing a crime, real or perceived, you will be lucky to make it to the cops.

What about the learned people? Those who are above the masses, the ones not only setting standards but also enforcing them?

Our police, one of the most brutal and vicious in the world, kill the odd chap via torture in custody, and are generally very macho. Our lawyers beat down anyone they can get their hands on. Our politicians torture kids. Hell, even our doctors don’t mind a scuffle!

That’s the lighter side of my Pakistan. Wasn’t it pleasant?

The rough side is actually a little disturbing. Insurgencies plague Balochistan and KPK-FATA, terrorism at large, sectarian killings in Gilgit and Quetta. Our right wing political parties are the bad guys, while the three supposedly liberal parties slaughter over a thousand people every year.

My Pakistan is one where violence isn’t widespread; it’s a part of daily life, with or without religion.

Now, can you imagine what would happen if these Pakistanis were invited en masse onto the streets by say, the government of the time? Given a full day off to vent their frustration? And what if the government and the many political/religious leaders who invited these guys to protest didn’t show up themselves?

Piling angry young people onto the streets without anyone to lead them, without any direction, without any indication whatsoever of what exactly are they supposed to do. What would that lead to?

Enough of my Pakistan though.

Let us come back to your Pakistan. I have to say I am as appalled as you are over what happened on Friday. How dare those lovely, peaceful, content people come out, uninvited, on the streets like headless chicken and cause such unheard of mayhem. Not to mention the harm done to our good reputation in front of the whole world.

Viewing these events in isolation from the daily life in Pakistan is intellectually dishonest at worst and lazy at best.

Viewing the reaction of the Muslim world to that video as a whole is just wrong. It was violent in some countries, peaceful in others. How they reacted had to do with the makeup of those particular societies and the guidance received from political, religious leaders and media.

In our society violence has pretty much been institutionalized, it is the rule here and not the exception. It is what we do, it is who we are. The less said about the political and religious leaders the better, and the media feeds off sensationalism and Bahria Town adverts.

Therefore, I could find nothing shocking about Friday. A violent people, with a nasty bout of anti-Americanism and deadly disdain for blasphemy, let loose on the streets. How many ways could that have turned out? Also, the fact that PPP are an incompetent shameless lot of opportunists who find new ways to hurt the country is the least surprising of all things imaginable.

This was not an anomaly. It wasn’t an ugly episode in our otherwise peaceful national life. It was just another day, albeit made worse by a chaotic, utterly useless government.

So the elite should stop reacting with such marvellous shock. And please, please stop mocking the damn mob, on Twitter no less. If you are privileged enough to have a voice, use it to address the larger disease, not selective symptoms.

The ones responsible for law and order and the ones who claim to be our leaders, they are responsible for not just the violence on Friday, but the daily horrors Pakistanis outside the Red Zone have to deal with.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Friends Like These

Is safeguarding the life and rights of religious minorities a responsibility of the government? In the context of Pakistan, present or past, it appears not to be the case.

So is the targeted killing and persecution of religious minorities actually a credit to the government?

If you follow a certain Mr. Faisal Raza Abidi, it would seem so. For wherever Faisal Raza goes these days, he wears the badge of minority rights with great pride and greater pompousness. It’s quite mesmerizing actually.

For instance, I was dumbfounded when I saw him invoking the names of dead Shia leaders, at the top of his voice, to batter an anchor into submission. The fact that these leaders had been killed on the watch of a PPP government that seemed not in the least bit interested, or bothered, about their life or death, was lost on Abidi.

I mean we have seen a lot in the last 4 years or so, granted. But vying for political mileage over dead bodies? That too of people you were sworn to and failed to, or didn’t want to, protect. I really cannot come up with an analogy.

You may ask what allows Abidi and company to get away this. How can they stand by and watch as their citizens are butchered and then shout about it on TV? Well, it’s the media. Or a certain section of the media.

This is the section that lays claim to the moral high ground more often than WAPDA cuts your power. They are the champions of free speech, of tolerance and are great friends of the minorities in Pakistan. They are also great friends of the PPP, but don’t say that out loud.

It’s peculiar how these mild mannered folk, who believe in tolerance and abhor abusive trolls, love the slightly less mild mannered Faisal Raza. It’s also peculiar how they oversee, everyday, what the PPP has done to minorities in Pakistan.

How? The “Deep State”. It remains the refuge of the PPP apologist. They hide behind it, pleading that their liberal party is helpless. They say the party’s hands are tied.

Yet there is much they don’t say.

They don’t say how there is more sectarian strife in the country today than when the military was directly in power, under Musharraf. They don’t say how the siege of Shia-Hazaras in Balochistan intensified under the current regime or how the PPP Chief Minister can’t even feign pity for them. Let alone the President.

They don’t say how this government has failed to control growth of sectarian outfits throughout the country, from Sindh to Gilgit to Balochistan. They don’t say that the PPP has failed to introduce stricter anti-terrorism legislation either. Apparently the Deep State wanted to do away with the third time prime minister clause instead? It also demanded public office holders be granted immunity from contempt proceedings.

It’s not that these people don’t have a voice. They speak ferociously enough, just not when the “secular” parties are involved. Suppose one “Sheeda Tully”, classy btw, was involved in forceful conversion of Hindu girls. Nusrat Javed might have spontaneously combusted on TV. It was though a PPP MNA, so he's safe. Similarly, imagine if an Imran Khan government were to incarcerate an 11 year old Christian girl on blasphemy charges. Now imagine Sana Bucha. Exactly.

The fact is, an ulema council has actually come out to support the girl. In the meantime former Prime Minister, upholder of the constitution and champion of the masses, Yousaf Raza Gillani has claimed credit for Bhutto’s Ahmedi achievement.

Still there is scant chance Muhammad Hanif will find himself in a seat next to the former PM on one of his travels.

None of these champions of minority rights will ask the PPP why they have been this inhuman, this unmoved and this complicit in the atrocities committed. They will instead write one harrowing tale after the other, each ending before the victims can lodge a complaint against their government. A government that not only abandoned them, it persecuted them as well.

It is however a PPP government, so that must not make it to the papers. It doesn’t need to, man. You wrote a vague story from a distant land, such bravery would put a lion to shame. You outdid yourself sire. Your best article ever, for the third time this week! Bla bla bla.

Young “jiyalas” don’t grow up to be unbiased commentators. A Radio only broadcasts its feed. Institutes don’t fund themselves.

There is so much this county has given to minorities isn’t there. And prominent among our many gifts - are friends like these.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Of The Kamra Reaction

Here we are, ready for another wave of bloodshed. There was always the pressure, now there’s a provocation.

What actually matters to us? Blood? Lives? Huh. That’s cute. As Kamra was unfolding, so was the psyche of a segment of the Pakistani population, on social media and on TV. The war, and the blood, seems to have made them irritable, angry, and ready for the fight.

It only seems to. Modern man, or modern society, is incapable of independent thought. They eat up what is fed to them, and a certain narrative has been in great supply for quite some time now.

It’s not the killing that will serve as catalyst for what’s to come next. There’s plenty of killing everywhere in Pakistan. Is it the barbarity? Severed heads are used for football practice somewhere else. It is only the spotlight, the high profile and the politics. The politics is what drives us. Without the politics mutilated bodies don’t warrant discussion and without the high profile a bloody Ramazan night isn’t worth comment.

So spare me the emotion, and boy was there emotion. Abuse, not just towards the Taliban, but towards plenty of their “sympathizers” - mixed with grandiose declarations of war. We have a mess on our hands yes, but it’s a war that’s been declared before.

It’s been how many years since we grew tired of this war? If memory serves there was a yearning for peace and there were peace agreements. Then there was Swat, and we have been tugging along since. How long before we reach that point again?

Let’s be honest in our assessment of what’s going to happen. The long desired operation in North Waziristan, best case scenario, quashes the TTP presence there. They disperse into neighbouring agencies, but many go into Afghanistan, as was the case in Swat.

There they regroup, and attack us from time to time, as is the case with Swat. "Safe Havens" exist on both sides of the Durand Line.

The TTP is but one faction, albeit the most notorious one, while the Taliban are a different, more daunting proposition.

The most powerful nation in the world, with around 40 allied countries, sits across the border unable to conquer the Afghan version. In fact, the US has stopped trying to conquer, and is now more focused on containing. And if the strategy of containment is the best US and NATO and whoever else is there can hope for, what exactly is on our mind?

Since I am being honest let me state another fact, however ill timed it maybe. This was Musharraf’s war. A dictator’s war; the military’s war. Critiques of the military never do criticize it for this.

But now it’s getting personal. There is an ever more vocal outrage, there is finger pointing and there is plenty of animosity. Attitudes are changing thanks to years of dying and killing, and emotional rallying cries to boot.

So here we are; ready to fight a war that is “our own”. Here to prolong our dying and killing for a few more years. Rallying cries galore.

Just a little about that. The war won’t be fought by me or you, and it never mattered if it was ours or not. It was always going to be fought, and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s been going on for years.

Kamra wasn’t an isolated incidence and an act of wanton, unexpected, aggression by the TTP. There is trouble in Orakzai, in Kurram, in Khyber. North Waziristan isn’t exactly the last refuge of the TTP. However, it is an opportunity, an opportunity we look determined to squander already. As momentum gathers for the push against TTP, there is also confusion and infighting.

There are those who want to broaden the fight and take on all Taliban factions – because the more militants out to kill us, the better. As stated earlier, they believe that we are bound to succeed where the rest of the world has failed.

Others mock the very soldiers they eagerly want to “do more” because everything American, even a slogan, has to be our own. One group wants to eradicate the evil of militancy but they are not prepared to pay the cost. Apparently it’s shocking that the TTP would dare an attack, and that in itself is a failure of security forces.

Hate to break it to you, but it’s a bloody war! What do you expect? Your enemy will roll over and die because you are annoyed? War is ugly business, and this particular enemy now has a presence “Khyber se Karachi tak”. So this will continue. More attacks will take place, more finger pointing, more anger, more emotion; more death.

Meanwhile, talking about peace is sympathizing with the terrorists. So buckle up, “our war” isn’t going to get any prettier.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Liberals Gone Wild

No, this isn’t about TheRealWTF in a wet T-shirt contest, this is something even wilder. A couple of days ago I was witness to a very impassioned tweet sermon by a very impassionate - I am not supposed to take names here, so we shall just call him Mr. Mehrumi.

Mr. Mehrumi is known for being a liberal voice among us backward folk, and his stances on minority rights are a particularly admirable trait. Imagine my surprise then that the moving tweets were actually directed against people taking up a minority cause.

Yes, those darned Rohingyas in Burma/Myanmar. They have not only caused much suffering there - to themselves, by existing - but also masterminded some serious turbulence in Pakistan. I don’t know what it exactly is, but the Pakistani liberalese don’t like them Burmese. I suspect it’s because of the rumoured Arab descent. Our liberals don’t take kindly to the Arabs, although they do take kindly to their American friends. Reasonable people.

So, Mr. Mehrumi didn't turn out to be the only wild one. In fact, there is plenty of outrage found amongst the Pakistani NGO running humanitarian community against the outrage against the persecution of Rohingyas. Geddit?

The liberals are angry that you give a shit about massacres in Burma. Yes.

That is not all. If you give a shit about the massacres in Burma, you are inherently bigoted AND you are against every minority cause inside Pakistan. Like Ahmedi persecution, the Shia killings, etc.

I am all for outrage, I really am, but I have got to point something out to our more enlightened brethren.

Here goes.

You are full of bullshit.

Allow me to explain.

Nobody made you the judge of my morality, or anyone else’s and nobody made you the "Thaykedaar" of our conscience. Speaking up for the cause of Muslims, and let’s face it that’s the only problem you have with all of this, does not make me insensitive to minority causes at home.

It certainly does not make it fit for you to say, or in any way imply, that I am against the cause of a Shia or an Ahmedi or a Baloch.

This “let’s call everyone out on selective outrage” thing that you have going, stop it.

Seriously. You avoid MENTIONING the daily Karachi killings by “secular” political parties, which is naked terrorism, as resolutely as Rehman Malik avoids making sense, and you have the audacity to call people out on selective outrage?

And what do you really do about the Ahmedis and the Shias of this country? They are under siege and you continue to support the PPP government which has simply turned its back on them. The Hazara MNA Syed Nasir Ali Shah staged a protest sit-in in front of Parliament House against the Government, and what do you do?

Clap when Zardari gives one meaningless statement after the other! Look up the meaning of shameless. Please.

Discuss at length the TDKR shooting and the freaking gun laws in America but talking about Rohingya massacres diverts attention from important causes? I mean. Wow. WOW.

I have to say.. Well I don’t. It won’t matter; I don’t have grants to hand out.

So. As I said. You are full of bullshit.

Monday, 16 July 2012

AnchorGate Reflections – The Shameless Media Machine

Let’s all just applaud our free and vibrant media for another chapter in their book titled “utter shamelessness”. I know they are quite distinguished in the above mentioned field but the AnchorGate episode does warrant special praise.

I mean just look at how everything has simply died down, no bumps, no glitches, it’s just smooth sailing now. Perhaps smoother than it was.

When that two part video went viral, putting Aloo Anday and Wadera Ka Beta in their place, all hell looked set to break loose. The outrage was only matched by the hilarity of it all; a storm was well and truly afoot and it seemed like the Pakistani media was in for a beat down.

Didn’t happen.

At once the journos, adaptive creatures that they are, joined the chorus of abuse against their fallen comrades. Meher Bokhari was Zeher Bokhari, while Mubasher Luqman had always been the failed film director, never part of the esteemed and honourable profession. The whole fraternity distanced itself from the episode, complete with mock rage and some really dramatic soul searching.

Instead of being a source of shame, the fact that journos took money from Malik Riaz became a source of laughter. Over and over again the earnest complaints of not receiving any plots from Malik Riaz marked out the rightful ones from the corrupt lot, which apparently comprised of just Mubasher Luqman and Meher Bokhari. Every other media man/woman supports a halo, which is paid for by their own hard earned money.

What really happened in the aftermath of AnchorGate? Well, Hamid Mir took some pot-shots at Mubasher Luqman, steering well clear of mentioning the Villa he had received from Malik Riaz, as had been claimed in the leak. Sana Bucha found herself in the awkward position of hosting a debate on yellow journalism. Said debate was attended by Geo’s finest, so expert opinion on yellow journalism was readily available. Interestingly, the beacons of truthfulness (Najam Sethi please stand up) spent less time discussing how the media is so corrupt and more time complaining about Shaheen Sehbai.

Sehbai’s crime is that he did what the media doesn’t want to do; report. So down with Sehbai, and up with the people who didn’t want to speak of Malik Riaz on TV and used a timid “Sahab” at the end of his name each time they did.

Maybe it is naïve to expect journos to be fair when judging themselves, they are only human. I did though expect some hue and cry about Malik Riaz, about the whole “Bunny’s Call” incident. No sir. Many simply blanked it.

At times I wish instead of Gillani’s son calling, there should have been a call by some Major Shamshad or whatever. I mean an hour of Nusrat Javed screaming, jumping and breaking stuff would have made good TV.

Talat Hussain was one man that seemed to do justice to the issue. I almost fell for his act too, but thank Najam Sethi for revealing that Talat’s actually CIA. One thing irks though. When Talat gave what were obviously false financial details on his show, Sethi didn’t reciprocate. Najam sahib instead chose to lie, in the casual, confident manner that has become a trademark, that his financial details can be accessed under the freedom of information act.

A man of his wisdom and experience definitely knows that said act only applies to government servants and even his tax returns are deemed “private”, not obtainable according to the FOI Act. But maybe I am being harsh. It could be that Najam wasn’t hiding behind red tape; merely confusing being “in the employ of” with being “an employee of”.

Anyway, the honesty brigade on TV couldn’t even get rid of Meher Bokhari, while Mubasher Luqman is rumoured to be negotiating a return. The media machine has already surpassed pre-AnchorGate shamelessness levels, as evidenced by the Young Doctors Association issue.

I hinted in the Observations post that the real money in media comes from the hairy brothers of Lahore. If any evidence be needed just look at the Punjab Gov adverts overtaking Bahria Town adverts during YDA strike. Anchors were just going for the kill; Javed Chaudary – the Lifafa is strong with him – asked a doctor point blank how is it right for him to murder people. Every report by the “Iqbal Jamil camera man Shakeel Ahmed ke sath, Baghwanpura, Lahore” was mocking the “messiahs” and denouncing them as goons or murderers.

Nothing has changed in light of the AnchorGate debacle and yet the trumpeting never stops. Every single media outlet is a sham and every single one of their employees will use the TV, the newspaper and even twitter to proclaim purity of soul and integrity of spirit.

Godspeed o shameless ones.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai

Here is my Nobel prize worthy poem from earlier in the day. It may require you hours, scratch that, days of meditation to understand the complexity and depth in play here.

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Sawan Ka Maheena Hai Sawan Ka Maheena Hai
Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Mathay Pe Aaya Paseena Hai

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Tekken Ki Best Player Nina Hai
Sharapova Ko Haradeti Serena Hai

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Mujh Se Ziada Mashhor Veena Hai
Phasti Nahee Sameena Hai

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Rishtay Walay Kehte Hain Larka Pheena Hai
Maangu Julia, Milti Sakeena Hai

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Jaib Khaali, Rehta Aadha Maheena Hai
Yahaan Burkay, Wahaan Katrina Hai

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Shadeed Shodi Meena Hai
Balthazar Ke Saath Bithaya Ek Kameena Hai (Moment of angry silence.)

Ye Jeena Bhi Kesa Jeena Hai
Khusra Door Se Lagta Haseena Hai

The End

Poetic genius, if I may say so.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

AnchorGate Observations

This was so much awesomeness. Malik Riaz – Mubasher Luqman – Mehar Bokhari.

Video 1 & Video 2

For anyone that is yet to see the videos or for the overly cool people who don’t want to see it, here are some things that stood out.

1) Television Anchors are idiots. I mean look at them. They are just IDIOTS.

2) Mubasher Luqman is something else, and not in a good way. He is a perpetually angry, annoying, whining, brat of a man-child. Walking out on the interview? *Insert 8 year old comparison joke here*

3) Luqman’s behaviour deserves another mention. Even when seated, he was a complete ass. He spent his time smoking, texting, being the least bit interested and taunting everyone in range.

4) Malik Riaz: "Aapke miy'an ke saath kab karun " - Mehar Bukhari replies: "Pehle mere saath tou akele ker lein" Malik Riaz: "Karunga na je”. .. Umm..

5) Mehar Bokhari was pretty incredulous in her own right. She kept telling Mubasher Luqman to be professional while re-planning their planted interview. Professional journalism at its best.

6) Mehar Bokhari: “Lagay ga ke planted hai. Jokay ye hai”

7) The jealousy between Luqman and Mehar was awesome, btw.

8) All the money in the world and Malik Riaz can’t eat “roti, chawal or meetha.” - Sucker.

There’s a bunch of non-TV media people on twitter laughing at all this, trying hard to give the impression that they don’t do it. I read your biased articles based on selective history every day, so shut the fuck up.

The fact that media people do planted interviews shouldn’t surprise anyone who has seen a Nawaz Sharif interview. The fact that Malik Riaz throws money around? Duh.

So what exactly came out of AnchorGate were the bits and pieces of information were flying around.

Arsalan is guilty, Arsalan was trapped nonsense aside, this interview should settle the “Who is behind this?” question now.

Although all biased and unbiased sane people should have known once Hussain Haqqani’s Memogate lawyer took up Malik Riaz’s case, Nusrat Javed’s bashing of the Chief Justice a day ago MUST have removed all doubt. Still, ardent jackasses are a norm in Pakistan and I hope they understand what the Prime Minister’s son called Mubashar Luqman for, DURING the show.

A number of people were calling in/texting. Maryam Nawaz wanted Hamza Shahbaz’s name cleared, what with him being a scandal magnet since beating his wife and all. Mehar Bokhari wanted her own name cleared, Luqman wasn’t that fussed about it. Some high up told the anchors that Malik Riaz was not to be interrupted.

If Luqman and Bokhari let slip any clear mention of them having received money from Riaz I didn’t catch it. Mubasher though was pretty clear about Hamid Mir receiving a Villa from Malik Riaz, which the latter never denied.

That’s also an interesting matter. On social media I have noticed how journos regularly chastise Luqman for showing his biases. He doesn’t really hide them and picked a fight with Mehar Bokhari over mentioning Moonis Elahi, the scion of Q-League.

Hamid Mir though is a journalist’s journalist. He might be corrupt and yet he doesn’t over play his hand. Malik Riaz, when asked why Mir had turned against him despite the Villa gifted, didn’t want to elaborate. Mir is too shrewd, he is dishonest even when being dishonest, so you can’t pin him. Riaz notwithstanding, the real money in the media comes from another Lahore based businessman. Mir knows not to angry the brothers and he is set.

The most amazing thing in the leaked video though was the man himself; Malik Riaz. He is exceptionally clever, a genius. Even off air, he would not spill anything he didn’t want to spill. He was calculated in his responses, he was calm and he played the two anchors with such ridiculous ease.

Riaz is a picture of humility isn’t he? That’s his trick. He doesn’t mind that at all, he doesn’t only throw money at you; he makes you feel so important. Everyone, Mehar, Luqman and even Abdul Qadir Gillani were dealt with in such a candid, humble manner; as if they were his family, the closest people to him.

It was telling that although Mir had taken his money and turned on him, that Malik wouldn’t spill the beans on the former even off the air. Even when Mariam Nawaz sent the message, claiming Riaz had offered Hamza a car which was rejected, Riaz didn’t protest. You could see he had something to say about it. The woman in the background, I hear it was his daughter, did say something about it, but the wily old Malik Riaz dismissed her complaints.

He was aware of the cameras.

This is a man who does not burn his bridges and he has burned one with CJ.

P.S. Videos keep popping up with Malik Riaz involved.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Hussain Haqqani and the Courts of Pakistan

When I read the title of Hussain Haqqani’s latest musing on the sorry state of Pakistan, I knew what was coming. This would be “How Pakistan Lets Terrorism Fester” in the New York Times.

The Pakistan People’s Party and its “friends” in the media have become as predictable as target killing in Karachi. Neither look like stopping any time soon too. Correlation, anyone?

Anyway, the standard formula for PPP media management comprises of 3 steps:

1)Identify the audience. In this case, and in most, the United States.
2)Identify what they are most bothered about. Terrorism.
3)Now link it to whoever you are most annoyed with.

Over the last 4 years the formula has worked wonders for the PPP. Screaming that anyone who opposes them is definitely a terrorist sympathizer, the party has managed to curry favour from the US all along. Taliban Khan is by now a well established moniker while PML-N has also earlier been put in its place, remember “Maulvi Nawaz”?

The PPP appointed head of ISI of course became a stout promoter of terrorist outfits during the memo-gate days.

Now, as chief protagonist of PPP-US relations, Mr. Haqqani has noticed that the pesky judges at the Supreme Court are really overstepping their constitutional bounds and clearly have their priorities all wrong.

You see where I am going with this?

According to Hussain Haqqani, the courts are now the major hindrance in eradicating terrorism. The court has a “partisan” agenda, where it is “trying to dislodge the government by insisting on reopening cases of alleged corruption from the 1990s”.

Yes, the court does seem to have it in for this government. After all, the NRO law that closed those cases in the first place was NOT promulgated by a military dictator, nor did the SC show any opposition to it before the elections of 2008. It certainly wasn’t hearing a case against the NRO before Musharraf sent it packing with his second martial law.

So the bias against a democratic government is pretty clear.

Haqqani also tells us that “our courts should be focused on identifying, arresting and prosecuting the individuals who helped” Osama Bin Laden. Because after all, identifying, arresting and prosecuting people is the job of courts, while the PPP has formed a government to pass judgements, in between partying at the beach and trips to the barber shop.

That is not all however. If you were to bear with Mr. Former Ambassador a while longer, he will show you how terrorists in the country are routinely set free “by judges who overtly sympathize with their ideology”.

Now at this juncture I will like to point out that Mr. Haqqani is growing old and his mind is not as sharp as it once was. Memory loss? Perhaps. He has in the recent past misplaced cell phones when most important calls had to be made, never mind simply forgetting BB Pins in awkward situations.

As the man chronically forgets stuff, he wasn’t able to fully expose the wretched judiciary of our fine country. The judiciary is much viler than the fair ambassador has suggested.

What the ambassador, because of his rather frail mind, forgot to mention here was that the judiciary also “overtly sympathizes” with the ideology of target killers in Karachi, of separatists in Balochistan, of smugglers, bureaucrats and of high handed intelligence operatives all over the country. None of whom see many convictions.

In fact, the judiciary even supports the ideology of Asif Ali Zardari, whatever that maybe, as the President hasn’t been convicted in any of the cases against him, at least in this country. The Swiss judiciary, as we all know, is the birth place of terrorism.

Seeing the raw data, some might suggest that the judges don’t actually support someone that they acquit of charges. That in fact they might just not have enough evidence to convict. Some even might go as far as to conclude that the justice system in Pakistan is broken, that massive reforms are needed in the system; laws need to be strengthened and loopholes closed.

Still others might point out to Mr. Haqqani that in the last 4 years the government that he has so ably represented in the United States did not legislate for said purpose, and does not intended to do so in the future. Instead, it has brought a constitutional amendment aimed at controlling the Supreme Court, by changing the process of appointment of the judges.

So, does the PPP consider it more important to control who sits in the apex court rather than to strengthen laws so that terrorists could be better prosecuted?

I could now accuse the PPP of never really wanting to reform the justice system. I could say people like Hussain Haqqani were the last people who would want our problems to be fixed. His kind of people, who change loyalties and ideologies out of convenience, who proudly boast of representing the IJI when there are still cases pending against that movement; would they really want stronger courts?

I would however do no such thing, because Mr. Haqqani is only human, he errs like others and obviously, as I said before, his mind isn’t as sharp as it once was.

His heart though, however ill and keeping him from attending court proceedings, is in the right place. This I realized at the end of his piece, where he passionately ask the Pakistani media to “be more focused on asking why those deemed terrorists internationally are celebrated as heroes at home.”

You see this gives me hope, because I know when Mr. Haqqani’s mental condition stabilizes, he will surely ask his government why those deemed terrorists internationally are celebrated as coalition partners at home?

Let’s all pray the Alzheimer’s wears off soon.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

LUMS Personal Statement

Yes, so I had promised people I would put up my LUMS Personal Statement up here.

I just came back from LUMS, and this is what got me the interview call for their MBA programme. Once you go through it, you will understand when I tell you that it was the most awkward interview ever.

Note: Only part of application up here.

What are your three most important achievements to date? Why do you consider them important?


1. Well, there was this girl in college. Seriously HOT. I made out with her! WIN :D

2. I once marked my attendance from outside of the window in the class of my Head of Department. Didn't get caught. Was.So.Cool.

3. Ate 18 slices of Pizza a few Ramadan’s ago at Pizza Hut Ramadan Iftari Offer. 18.


1. Making out with the hot girl wasn’t easy. She was probably the most sought after girl in college, so to get to her I had to fight off competition from a whole host of other guys. Even some who, hard to believe, were better looking than me. It didn’t help that the girls and boys sections were separate, so I had to devise all kinds of schemes just to get to talk to her.

The experience told me I could face up to competition and achieve the goals I set for myself, even if I wasn’t the best equipped for the task. It was also a test of my resourcefulness and I like to believe that I passed.

2. Marking the attendance from the window was just sick. The HOD was very infamous for his abhorrence of proxies, as well as for anyone he caught being cheeky. So this was a big deal, especially considering he had taken disciplinary action against two seniors just a few days back. His classes though really were torture, so this had to be done.

What it represented for me was the ability to keep my composure, an inclination for taking risks and three stars at handling high pressure situations.

3. Eating 18 slices is quite a feat. If you have ever been to Pizza Hut during Ramazan you would know that the quality goes down, and after the first hour and a half the waiters really start hounding you to get up and leave.

This was about valuing your money. It was about accepting a challenge and showing the resiliency to see it through. The initial bet was 16 slices, the fact that I went to 18 told me I could push myself further and shouldn’t let pre-set boundaries confine me and my ambitions.

Why do you want a graduate degree from LUMS? How will you benefit from the programme you wish to attend at LUMS?

1. Money. Basically. I have heard that people with a LUMS degree earn shitloads of money. So. Yea.

2. The “Mahol” at LUMS is awesome.


You get the idea.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Bash Thy Army

Bashing the military is a favourite past time of the ones who have been enlightened, and rightly so. An increasing number of cool boys now also want to be enlightened, so they have taken to bashing the army too. The tool is a laptop; the location is their cosy house in Defence.

The new army bashers however, in my humble view, need to know a thing or two before launching into a gallant bayonet charge. So I have decided to help them out and will now try to explain how to effectively bash the malicious military, or how to do it ineffectively.

Props to my dear mentor and angry middle aged man, Nadeem F. Paracha; for the master is once again a step ahead of the pupil. He knows the young ones need guidance, so he recently demonstrated how NOT to bash the military.

We have latest fighter jets for the military, but rickety 27-yr-old passenger planes for the people. Doesn't sound right.

Let’s put aside the fact that it is terribly distasteful to try and use a tragedy to further your own agenda, and focus on the content.

The rickety 27-year old passenger plane that went down did not belong to the PIA; it belonged to a private airline, so the comparison with military jets does seem ridiculous. They don’t have the same source. The latest military jets also do crash and there have been multiple instances in the current year already.

In any case, Pakistan is doling out billions to the national air carrier so that handpicked Jiyalas in the management can have the prettiest air hostesses to mingle with.

NFP knows all of this, probably better than I do. However when Bhoja crashed a lot of the reactionary anger on social media was directed at the PPP. Naturally, the Jiyala in him had to alter the discourse, so he came up with the above mentioned gem.

We shall get back to this later. Let’s go through other NOT to do bashing routines first.

Another wrong way of doing it is stating incorrect, made-up figures. So vehement had the propaganda been regards the Army’s share of national budget that an army officer’s son once convinced me the military gets 60 percent.

This misrepresentation then allows Ashfaq Pervez Kayani to correct you with a smug look on his face. The share proposed in the next budget is 20 percent, although ET will tell you that coupled with the 2 percent for education, not with the many percents spent on loan repayments to our foreign benefactors. Najam Sethi will add around 5 to 10 percent for allowances and/or pensions.

One more thing I have noticed is the overzealous criticism of the military by some of its main beneficiaries. Yes, I am looking at you; supporters of the Sher who is also Ameer-ul-Momineen. Without any political achievements to boast about, certain people and their supporters have decided to just spout nonsense in this regard; framing it as their biggest draw.

It’s probably because they believe everyone has magically forgotten the identity of Gen Zia-ul-Haq’s Chief Minister in Punjab. Or perhaps they don’t know who Chotay Mian Sahab came to meet in Rawalpindi the night before Long March.

Going back to NFP, the point he was obviously trying to make is that bashing for the sake of it seems stupid. In fact, these are all examples of partisan bashing and people are able to see through them now. Therefore, all they do is harm the good cause. A large section of the population relates patriotism with the military, for good or for bad. With the unwarranted, shallow and often baseless criticism of the institution, enlightened ones continue to alienate those who might otherwise realise that the army has transgressed on many occasions.

There was much momentum gained to this end in the last few years of Musharraf, momentum that could have been harnessed to effectively curb the influence of our establishment. The shenanigans of the political elite however have slowly eroded that momentum. Whose fault is that?

I had grown tired of hearing it and now, thanks to the memo-gate, the excuse that the elite are helpless is no longer a valid argument either. To protect one of their own, they can stare down the combined might of the military and the judiciary, and are helpless only when rights violations are committed against people whose votes don’t matter to them?

In a democratic country, the onus should be on the political class to take the lead in tackling all issues. Questions are to be asked of them, and they have to provide the answers. Try doing that in Pakistan and you will get ridiculed by a certain section of the press who believes the military is responsible for all evil.

Well, even if it is, ask the people you voted for to do something about it. How does the military being wrong make the ruling class saints? It’s the most amazing, awesome logic ever crafted.

The irony is that the politicians they are trying to protect are the same ones who have benefited from the military in the past and continue to do so in the present. The relationship works both ways, appointing the Air Chief Marshal as MD PIA is just another example.

It is also a fact that the Chief of Army Staff is NOT appointed through a general vote, nor is the head of the ISI. Directly, the people cannot hold them accountable. So at the end of the day, you and I can only vote people into parliament and it is up to them to take the military to task.

Bypassing the face of the government seemed logical when a serving Army Chief was also the President. He is not anymore; Bhutto’s spiritual son has taken over. Wake up and ask him to settle matters with the man who gave him an NRO.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Emo Post: Repressing The Pain.

I closed my eyes when I realized what had come to pass. Sat there quietly for a moment; regaining composure. Got up, turned the TV off, walked out and just stared into the darkness.

Stood there for a while, not sure what to make of it. Went for a little stroll too, wandering aimlessly in the street. I needed to be alone.

I knew then that things wouldn’t go back to how they were before. I felt helpless, yes, and there was anger, but it quickly faded into sorrow. Then to despair. I don’t even know how many emotions I went through in those moments, or which ones exactly.

Could things have turned out differently? I asked myself. Was there another way? Was there a separate path, one that led elsewhere, just not here? It was a futile exercise though, because things were never in my hands, they were never in my control.

I was but a mere spectator.

Haunted, and troubled, I turned to the one person I knew would comfort me. She consoled me, she did. She told me it was OK to be sad and, most importantly, she told me to move on because there was bound to be a happy ending. She said there is always a happy ending.

I was young, very young. It was an impressionable age. I guess it’s just natural how I reacted, how long it took me to recover.

Looking back at it, to that day in particular, I cannot help but smile. Isn’t that a surprise?

There indeed was a happy ending. Everything they tell you; you will move on, you will get better, it’s just a phase, it is all true. Life just goes on and it would be funny if it weren’t actually cruel.

I am happy today, well, I am how people are. I laugh and cry, I love and hate. I go out with friends and I spend time with my family. I have it all, in a way.

I might not be the person I was, but that doesn’t really matter.

Today, I am busy with what is now. There is the odd occasion though when the mind goes back in time, when it comes back to you. The heartache comes back, that gut wrenching feeling, the anger, the sorrow.

I guess a part of me will never really move on, a part of me will always hang on to that memory, and to the pain.

The pain I felt that day, the pain that lives on in me, the pain that reminds me.

Mufasa was killed.

And Simba was blamed for it.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Karachi Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

For 2 days now Karachi is at a standstill. Life as we know it has stopped; there are no teenagers making movie plans, no families heading out to the beach, even the “Mailla” motorcycle gymnasts have dismounted their rides and put on the helmets, at least for the time being.

Instead, the roads are littered with burning vehicles, the streets echo with cries and gunshots, and many a corpse lies unattended by the pavement. Children and adults alike have been taken by fear, dread and naked panic, all because of the dastardly Wives. And girlfriends.

Yes, the Wives & GFs of Karachi are on the loose once again. These fashionable terror machines have been largely uncontrollable for the past 4 years and, after a brief lull, are back on the scene.

The Gov of Pakistan has taken steps to pacify the Wives & GFs in the past, to varying success. However to control them, we must first understand the phenomenon of savage Wives & GFs. Unfortunately, intellectual circles are divided over why the Wives & GFs continue to sabotage the city. The most widely accepted view is that of cultural critic and human trafficking enthusiast Nadeem F. Paracha.

“The Wives & GFs have always been a leftist entity, and were prosperous under the reign of King Zulfiqar Bhutto, and in that of his daddy, Gen Ayub Khan. These secularist forces however were put under duress with the arrival of Gen Zia. Years of oppression only strengthened the intrinsic liberal tendencies of Wives & GFs.” Mr. Paracha writes.

“After Zia’s demise, the PPP government was not given enough time, thus making the Wives & GFs bitchier. In the late 90s these women decided to take household matters into their own hands, and this secular movement soon translated onto the political spectrum in Karachi. As the Wives & GFs gained more power, they developed a sense of entitlement which, as I pointed out at the time, was a dangerous step.”

“Now that they have entrenched themselves into the system thanks to backing of rightwing forces, they have turned violent and taken the city hostage. They have also fractioned into different groups, just as the powers that be had planned for them to.” He concludes.

This brings us to the present, with tension flaring up once again between different factions of Wives & GFs. As is often the case when women fight; man paid the price, and in Karachi, prices are sky high.

It is believed that a in a “mushaira”, one Wife caught her husband attending without her permission. She, naturally, shot him dead. Said husband had a girlfriend, who then killed two of the wife’s, who was now a self made widow, lovers.

The next day all hell broke loose. Wives & GFs all over the city went into frenzy. For months they had sat in their homes; silently texting away during the day and calling strangers for some adulterous talk in the night, not anymore. Their many concerns, like the lack of quality lipsticks or the costlier gifts their BFF was receiving, drove them into a rage that the city just couldn’t handle. Girls gone wild, not the good kind.

In fact, many Wives & GFs have admitted to different reasons for killing their husbands or boyfriends or just about anyone else. One Zafira Baloch from Lyari quipped:

“I wanted a microwave oven and my husband bought it for me, but with all the load-shedding I naturally needed a UPS to go with it. I asked my second boyfriend to get me one and he refused. So you see my hands were tied, actually *hehehe* his hands were, if you know what I mean” she said with an inviting smile.

A famous “GF” of the posh Defence area, known amongst her friends as Babra “Goori”, also had a fascinating tale.

“I have been going out with this Industrialist for a year now. He is much older than me, but we have fun together. We connect, you know, he understands me. Anyway, I wanted his seaside bungalow but it was registered in his son’s name. I shot him thrice, in the head. I really love the view from that place, you should come some time.”

Aapa Syeda Shaheen is a regular housewife. She explained how she wasn’t at fault over what had happened.

“I have been loyal to my “marad” for 15 years. Esa figure hota tha mera, log marte they. Now look at me, I am a cow. For him, I sacrificed everything, and the other day I caught him with that skinny slut model from Clifton. Rage came over me and I blacked out. When I regained consciousness, he was lying in pool of blood and I had a frying pan in my hand.”

Despite the open admissions of these, and many more, Wives & GFs to their crimes, the law enforcement agencies seem helpless to apprehend them.

Interior Minister Rehman Malik sat down with me for a candid interview to explain why.

“Cekurity is not easy thing to provide. I have tried my level best and I think done a fantastical job so far. However, we cannot be everywhere all the time.” The Minister said, fondly stroking his shocking pink tie, with green unicorns emblazoned on it.

Sir, but what about those Wives & GFs that have been arrested?

“They will be released very soon. As you know, I think of even enemies’ sisters as my sisters. So how can I take action against my sisters? It is ridiculas, cekurity is good. The Wives & GFs are peaceful”

Then why do they keep killing people?

“It is the weather. As you know, the summers are approaching and the temperature is rising. From today I have banned all spicy food in the city of Karachi. Once there is no spicy food, you will see the violence will vanish. President Zardari has already taken notice of the spicy food.”

Sir, will there be any relief packages for the victims?

“The victims are already dead. What do they need relief from? We have a package for the Wives & GFs of the city, so that they remain peaceful and do not complain again. We will be giving all of them discounts on Lawn. 50% off. The money will be provided through BISP.”

“Another promise of BB Shaheed will be fulfilled; Roti, Kapra aur Lawn.”

The Minister looked very confident saying that last part, and there was a twinkle in his eye, warmth in his smile; the look of a man who knew what he was doing. As I walked out of the interview, I knew that the future of the City Of Lights was about to get even brighter.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Let’s Drone Karachi

First off, I have a confession to make. In the past, I have questioned the use of drone attacks, going as far as to declare that I oppose all US operated drones, including Sana Bucha, in a blog post on this very site.

Prolonged exposure however to liberal bastions of the Pakistani press, Nadeem F. Paracha and Najam Sethi among others, has forced me to change my views.

I see now that I was misguided and naïve, influenced by flawed concepts such as right to due process and right to life, along with an aversion to collateral damage. I was what you may call a “soft” liberal, never prepared to get my hands dirty and prone to such hippie sentiments as “Bombing for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity”.

I simply did not look at the bigger picture. I was never aware of the soothing joy that bombing through an unmanned craft brings to one’s inner self. I never cared to see it from a drone’s point of view, never considered that drones too have a sensitive side, and that they are actually quite funny once you get to know them.

Drones Point of View................

Well, that’s not the case anymore. I have realized that drones are a blessing from above, literally. They have been killing bad guys for years now and have only ever faced ridicule and criticism for doing so. It is time we stopped that and celebrated them for what they are; a gift from the God.

God though does not discriminate between his people. We are all his people; you, me and even Tazeen Javed.

The question thus is; why are those tribal folk in FATA hogging all the heavenly wonders? As Pakistanis and as humans, we are all equal and everyone should share in. Therefore I propose that the blessing of US Drones be brought upon the metropolitan heartbeat of our country; Karachi.

Seriously, I am enraged that no drones are hovering over the city of lights right now.

Why? Why do all of you hate Karachi so much? Is it because they have a beach?

Why has Karachi had to endure endemic violence day and night, for the last what many years, while the drones just loitered around bombing nothing at Shamsi Base?

Karachi has suffered so much at the hands of terrorists, perhaps more than any other city in the country. Between 4 to 7 thousand people have been killed by terrorists who have access to sophisticated weapons and who operate with impunity.

They target the security forces and they target civilians. They kill, they kidnap and they torture, before killing again. They have established rackets and No Go areas in the city. Families of victims are threatened with dire consequences and journalists are shot dead for speaking out.

Still no one has come to help the city. The killings slow down from time to time, but those responsible roam freely. Indeed, this time of peace is being used by terrorists to re-arm and regroup.

So, is the killing of people in the tribal belt or elsewhere more reprehensible than the killings in Karachi? Are they just second class citizens who can be slaughtered and the perpetrators never asked a question, let alone droned upon?

It is clear we have failed to crush these terrorists ourselves, or are unwilling to, just like in FATA. And I believe that the establishment is involved. This policy of differentiating between good and bad militants is of the GHQ’s making. It’s so obvious.

After all, one of the warlords behind much of the carnage in the city has openly confessed to meeting the ISI chief. That would be Zulfiqar Mirza aka Zulfiqar-ullah-Mehsud, scourge of Lyaristan.

Another, larger, terrorist faction was of course fostered by the wretched General Zia ul Haq, although it doesn’t get as much heat from the press as Zia’s other creations do. These are the folk of Nine-Zero-Khel. With one Al-Ibn-Farooq-ul-Sattar-al-Libbi as the local head of the foreign based terror network.

The third group is already Pakhtun, so I don’t think we need aliases to have Sana Bucha approve them drone worthy.

There then, it’s ready! Drone strike away. Bomb bomb bomb and bring untold happiness to Karachi, justice and rightful vengeance just as it is raining down in FATA.

This is how it works.

American spies can help drones identify homes in Karachi that are harbouring “Land Mafia, Drug Mafia aur Jarayem Pesha Anasir” and instant justice will be served. If anyone goes to help the terrorists after a strike, the drones will blow their asses to kingdom come too.

Terrorist gatherings, such as funerals, weddings or mass protests won’t be safe either. Honestly speaking, the more bad guys killed the better, eh?

Sure a few innocents get burned once in a while, but hey, how “innocent” were you if even a drone mistook you for a terrorist. Ha.

Listen, the brightest minds of our country believe drones are an effective counter-terrorism tool, that the terrorists deserve it. We should use it then. So many folks die at the hands of terrorists, what’s the big deal if drones get a little taste of the action?

Also, I am sure everyone read Kamran Shafi’s passionate appeal to reward our national hero Dr. Shakeel Afridi. I would like to second that proposal here, and also put forth a musing of my own on the matter.

I move that, after we make him a living recipient of the Nishan-e-Haider, Dr. Shakeel Afridi be sent to London for the running of a fake drug rehab centre. He can thus find the whereabouts of a man eating toad, often seen in sexy black shades, and hopefully an Abbotabbad style op can be carried out.

P.S: Now if you agree with me, which you do if you are not a terrorist, click here and make this shit happen. ! Hurray !