Thursday, 29 March 2012

Karachi Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

For 2 days now Karachi is at a standstill. Life as we know it has stopped; there are no teenagers making movie plans, no families heading out to the beach, even the “Mailla” motorcycle gymnasts have dismounted their rides and put on the helmets, at least for the time being.

Instead, the roads are littered with burning vehicles, the streets echo with cries and gunshots, and many a corpse lies unattended by the pavement. Children and adults alike have been taken by fear, dread and naked panic, all because of the dastardly Wives. And girlfriends.

Yes, the Wives & GFs of Karachi are on the loose once again. These fashionable terror machines have been largely uncontrollable for the past 4 years and, after a brief lull, are back on the scene.

The Gov of Pakistan has taken steps to pacify the Wives & GFs in the past, to varying success. However to control them, we must first understand the phenomenon of savage Wives & GFs. Unfortunately, intellectual circles are divided over why the Wives & GFs continue to sabotage the city. The most widely accepted view is that of cultural critic and human trafficking enthusiast Nadeem F. Paracha.

“The Wives & GFs have always been a leftist entity, and were prosperous under the reign of King Zulfiqar Bhutto, and in that of his daddy, Gen Ayub Khan. These secularist forces however were put under duress with the arrival of Gen Zia. Years of oppression only strengthened the intrinsic liberal tendencies of Wives & GFs.” Mr. Paracha writes.

“After Zia’s demise, the PPP government was not given enough time, thus making the Wives & GFs bitchier. In the late 90s these women decided to take household matters into their own hands, and this secular movement soon translated onto the political spectrum in Karachi. As the Wives & GFs gained more power, they developed a sense of entitlement which, as I pointed out at the time, was a dangerous step.”

“Now that they have entrenched themselves into the system thanks to backing of rightwing forces, they have turned violent and taken the city hostage. They have also fractioned into different groups, just as the powers that be had planned for them to.” He concludes.

This brings us to the present, with tension flaring up once again between different factions of Wives & GFs. As is often the case when women fight; man paid the price, and in Karachi, prices are sky high.

It is believed that a in a “mushaira”, one Wife caught her husband attending without her permission. She, naturally, shot him dead. Said husband had a girlfriend, who then killed two of the wife’s, who was now a self made widow, lovers.

The next day all hell broke loose. Wives & GFs all over the city went into frenzy. For months they had sat in their homes; silently texting away during the day and calling strangers for some adulterous talk in the night, not anymore. Their many concerns, like the lack of quality lipsticks or the costlier gifts their BFF was receiving, drove them into a rage that the city just couldn’t handle. Girls gone wild, not the good kind.

In fact, many Wives & GFs have admitted to different reasons for killing their husbands or boyfriends or just about anyone else. One Zafira Baloch from Lyari quipped:

“I wanted a microwave oven and my husband bought it for me, but with all the load-shedding I naturally needed a UPS to go with it. I asked my second boyfriend to get me one and he refused. So you see my hands were tied, actually *hehehe* his hands were, if you know what I mean” she said with an inviting smile.

A famous “GF” of the posh Defence area, known amongst her friends as Babra “Goori”, also had a fascinating tale.

“I have been going out with this Industrialist for a year now. He is much older than me, but we have fun together. We connect, you know, he understands me. Anyway, I wanted his seaside bungalow but it was registered in his son’s name. I shot him thrice, in the head. I really love the view from that place, you should come some time.”

Aapa Syeda Shaheen is a regular housewife. She explained how she wasn’t at fault over what had happened.

“I have been loyal to my “marad” for 15 years. Esa figure hota tha mera, log marte they. Now look at me, I am a cow. For him, I sacrificed everything, and the other day I caught him with that skinny slut model from Clifton. Rage came over me and I blacked out. When I regained consciousness, he was lying in pool of blood and I had a frying pan in my hand.”

Despite the open admissions of these, and many more, Wives & GFs to their crimes, the law enforcement agencies seem helpless to apprehend them.

Interior Minister Rehman Malik sat down with me for a candid interview to explain why.

“Cekurity is not easy thing to provide. I have tried my level best and I think done a fantastical job so far. However, we cannot be everywhere all the time.” The Minister said, fondly stroking his shocking pink tie, with green unicorns emblazoned on it.

Sir, but what about those Wives & GFs that have been arrested?

“They will be released very soon. As you know, I think of even enemies’ sisters as my sisters. So how can I take action against my sisters? It is ridiculas, cekurity is good. The Wives & GFs are peaceful”

Then why do they keep killing people?

“It is the weather. As you know, the summers are approaching and the temperature is rising. From today I have banned all spicy food in the city of Karachi. Once there is no spicy food, you will see the violence will vanish. President Zardari has already taken notice of the spicy food.”

Sir, will there be any relief packages for the victims?

“The victims are already dead. What do they need relief from? We have a package for the Wives & GFs of the city, so that they remain peaceful and do not complain again. We will be giving all of them discounts on Lawn. 50% off. The money will be provided through BISP.”

“Another promise of BB Shaheed will be fulfilled; Roti, Kapra aur Lawn.”

The Minister looked very confident saying that last part, and there was a twinkle in his eye, warmth in his smile; the look of a man who knew what he was doing. As I walked out of the interview, I knew that the future of the City Of Lights was about to get even brighter.


  1. I think they are scared at the idea of one man coming out of every household.

  2. Awesome, as usual! The Babra & Shaheen characters are cool :-)