Sunday, 26 February 2012

Let’s Drone Karachi

First off, I have a confession to make. In the past, I have questioned the use of drone attacks, going as far as to declare that I oppose all US operated drones, including Sana Bucha, in a blog post on this very site.

Prolonged exposure however to liberal bastions of the Pakistani press, Nadeem F. Paracha and Najam Sethi among others, has forced me to change my views.

I see now that I was misguided and na├»ve, influenced by flawed concepts such as right to due process and right to life, along with an aversion to collateral damage. I was what you may call a “soft” liberal, never prepared to get my hands dirty and prone to such hippie sentiments as “Bombing for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity”.

I simply did not look at the bigger picture. I was never aware of the soothing joy that bombing through an unmanned craft brings to one’s inner self. I never cared to see it from a drone’s point of view, never considered that drones too have a sensitive side, and that they are actually quite funny once you get to know them.

Drones Point of View................

Well, that’s not the case anymore. I have realized that drones are a blessing from above, literally. They have been killing bad guys for years now and have only ever faced ridicule and criticism for doing so. It is time we stopped that and celebrated them for what they are; a gift from the God.

God though does not discriminate between his people. We are all his people; you, me and even Tazeen Javed.

The question thus is; why are those tribal folk in FATA hogging all the heavenly wonders? As Pakistanis and as humans, we are all equal and everyone should share in. Therefore I propose that the blessing of US Drones be brought upon the metropolitan heartbeat of our country; Karachi.

Seriously, I am enraged that no drones are hovering over the city of lights right now.

Why? Why do all of you hate Karachi so much? Is it because they have a beach?

Why has Karachi had to endure endemic violence day and night, for the last what many years, while the drones just loitered around bombing nothing at Shamsi Base?

Karachi has suffered so much at the hands of terrorists, perhaps more than any other city in the country. Between 4 to 7 thousand people have been killed by terrorists who have access to sophisticated weapons and who operate with impunity.

They target the security forces and they target civilians. They kill, they kidnap and they torture, before killing again. They have established rackets and No Go areas in the city. Families of victims are threatened with dire consequences and journalists are shot dead for speaking out.

Still no one has come to help the city. The killings slow down from time to time, but those responsible roam freely. Indeed, this time of peace is being used by terrorists to re-arm and regroup.

So, is the killing of people in the tribal belt or elsewhere more reprehensible than the killings in Karachi? Are they just second class citizens who can be slaughtered and the perpetrators never asked a question, let alone droned upon?

It is clear we have failed to crush these terrorists ourselves, or are unwilling to, just like in FATA. And I believe that the establishment is involved. This policy of differentiating between good and bad militants is of the GHQ’s making. It’s so obvious.

After all, one of the warlords behind much of the carnage in the city has openly confessed to meeting the ISI chief. That would be Zulfiqar Mirza aka Zulfiqar-ullah-Mehsud, scourge of Lyaristan.

Another, larger, terrorist faction was of course fostered by the wretched General Zia ul Haq, although it doesn’t get as much heat from the press as Zia’s other creations do. These are the folk of Nine-Zero-Khel. With one Al-Ibn-Farooq-ul-Sattar-al-Libbi as the local head of the foreign based terror network.

The third group is already Pakhtun, so I don’t think we need aliases to have Sana Bucha approve them drone worthy.

There then, it’s ready! Drone strike away. Bomb bomb bomb and bring untold happiness to Karachi, justice and rightful vengeance just as it is raining down in FATA.

This is how it works.

American spies can help drones identify homes in Karachi that are harbouring “Land Mafia, Drug Mafia aur Jarayem Pesha Anasir” and instant justice will be served. If anyone goes to help the terrorists after a strike, the drones will blow their asses to kingdom come too.

Terrorist gatherings, such as funerals, weddings or mass protests won’t be safe either. Honestly speaking, the more bad guys killed the better, eh?

Sure a few innocents get burned once in a while, but hey, how “innocent” were you if even a drone mistook you for a terrorist. Ha.

Listen, the brightest minds of our country believe drones are an effective counter-terrorism tool, that the terrorists deserve it. We should use it then. So many folks die at the hands of terrorists, what’s the big deal if drones get a little taste of the action?

Also, I am sure everyone read Kamran Shafi’s passionate appeal to reward our national hero Dr. Shakeel Afridi. I would like to second that proposal here, and also put forth a musing of my own on the matter.

I move that, after we make him a living recipient of the Nishan-e-Haider, Dr. Shakeel Afridi be sent to London for the running of a fake drug rehab centre. He can thus find the whereabouts of a man eating toad, often seen in sexy black shades, and hopefully an Abbotabbad style op can be carried out.

P.S: Now if you agree with me, which you do if you are not a terrorist, click here and make this shit happen. ! Hurray !

Sunday, 12 February 2012

I condemn evil Jemima Khan’s vicious attack on Najam Sethi. Too.

Don’t you hate evil people? And don’t you love twitter? I know I do and I can’t stand the level of evil currently permeating on the twitter that I love.

Thankfully though, there are some selfless ones out there who have devoted their lives to identifying such evil and taking it to task. This blog post is inspired by the gallant words of one such heroine, who goes by the name of Tazeen Javed.

If you haven’t heard of her, shame on you. Tazeen recently took down the evil witch Jemima “Yahoodi” Khan, after the latter had hurled unholy incantations at the saintly Najam Sethi.

In a brave act, she consented to her “Op-Ed” being published at the Express Tribune website. Even though ET would never publish a rebuttal, there have been instances where critical comments get through their screening process.

Tazeen didn’t care. Respect.

You see the elderly journalist Najam Sethi, who is only the Chief Editor of the Friday Times and once or twice has been on a Geo News show, is clearly at a disadvantage against Jemima, occasional columnist who has a twitter account.

He obviously can’t take her on with his limited resources. Enter Ms Javed.

Morality demanded of her to help an old man in trouble and Tazeen, a champion of the oppressed, stepped up. In her Op-Ed, she broke off the shackles and destroyed the notoriously cruel Jemima Khan step by step. It was beautiful. Seriously, must read stuff.

As you all know, Jemima’s vitriol against Mr Sethi was based on “false accusations” that he referred to her as a Jew, despite her being a Muslim who had formerly been a Christian. So Ms Javed dismantled that notion right at the beginning.

It was crafty, because it needed to be. Najam Sethi sahib clearly states, within the first five minutes, that Imran Khan married a Jewish woman, in his casual gup-shup style. Damn Youtube. I know.

With the truth being muddled by the, umm, other truth on YouTube, Tazeen used the old diversion strategy to bring clarity. She started beating on about some clips of Fazl Ur Rehman and some bullies who had wronged her and helping Jemima, among other very profound … reasoning.

The fact that Jemima’s vile rant was actually against Sethi sahib’s “British media Jewish Heiress” tweet didn’t get space in the eloquent article. Instead, Ms Javed slid in some real wise ass digs at Jemima, the Express Tribune editor LoL-ed at those.

Some column space still needed to be filled and Tazeen was running out of ideas. Fortunately, she had just watched the hilarious Brit comedy “The Invention of Lying”. Believing events in the movie to be real, Ms Javed decided to give it a go. Thus she next implied that Najam had been targeted because it was easier to do so, and Fazl-ur-Rehman let off.

Yes, I know Jemima had come down much harder on Maulana Diesel, but it’s ET. Honest people. And that movie is quite funny actually. So, you know… It’s for a good cause.

Now we get to closing the piece. Throw in a reference to Saleem Shehzad, because that was completely relevant in Jemima vs. Sethi, and complain about PTI trolls. That’s the standard recipe to get a smoking piece of shit published these days.

Tazeen Javed knows that and the editor at ET doesn’t know better. Prompt a first comment that says “I watched the show. I swear what’s written above is true”, a very recurring coincidence, and the smacketh down has been laid. Counter that you Jewish heiress. Power of the pen, ET style.

There’s a lesson here for Jemima. Since “she was never considered particularly bright by anyone of note”, I am going to have to spell it out for her.

We Hate You.

By “we”, of course I mean the Pakistani press. It’s annoying to us that you don’t get it already. Have you forgotten what we did to you in the nineties? We are going to it all over again baby, just you see.

Actually, it’s not just the media. It’s pretty much the whole country. You married a national hero, but we still kicked your ass. You have already lost your marriage because of us, you have been driven out of the country, and we weren’t even being mean back then.

We won’t stop coming for you either. So please do the only thing that we will tolerate; shut up.


Shut Up.

Just keep mum as Fazl-ur-Rehman attacks your children and Najam Sethi wonders about your religion. You have no right to speak up.

If you do, we sting. You can’t win no matter what you say. For instance, in the month of February, Nadeem F. Paracha is going to put on his smug face and call you a hypocrite every time he thinks of Hafiz Saeed. He thinks of Hafiz Saeed ALOT, btw.

We don’t care about making sense. You think you can mess with Najam Sethi? You Jehadi Jew hypocrite, NFP judges you.

And so do the rest of us.