Yes, so I had promised people I would put up my LUMS Personal Statement up here.
I just came back from LUMS, and this is what got me the interview call for their MBA programme. Once you go through it, you will understand when I tell you that it was the most awkward interview ever.
Note: Only part of application up here.
What are your three most important achievements to date? Why do you consider them important?
Achievements:
1. Well, there was this girl in college. Seriously HOT. I made out with her! WIN :D
2. I once marked my attendance from outside of the window in the class of my Head of Department. Didn't get caught. Was.So.Cool.
3. Ate 18 slices of Pizza a few Ramadan’s ago at Pizza Hut Ramadan Iftari Offer. 18.
Importance:
1. Making out with the hot girl wasn’t easy. She was probably the most sought after girl in college, so to get to her I had to fight off competition from a whole host of other guys. Even some who, hard to believe, were better looking than me. It didn’t help that the girls and boys sections were separate, so I had to devise all kinds of schemes just to get to talk to her.
The experience told me I could face up to competition and achieve the goals I set for myself, even if I wasn’t the best equipped for the task. It was also a test of my resourcefulness and I like to believe that I passed.
2. Marking the attendance from the window was just sick. The HOD was very infamous for his abhorrence of proxies, as well as for anyone he caught being cheeky. So this was a big deal, especially considering he had taken disciplinary action against two seniors just a few days back. His classes though really were torture, so this had to be done.
What it represented for me was the ability to keep my composure, an inclination for taking risks and three stars at handling high pressure situations.
3. Eating 18 slices is quite a feat. If you have ever been to Pizza Hut during Ramazan you would know that the quality goes down, and after the first hour and a half the waiters really start hounding you to get up and leave.
This was about valuing your money. It was about accepting a challenge and showing the resiliency to see it through. The initial bet was 16 slices, the fact that I went to 18 told me I could push myself further and shouldn’t let pre-set boundaries confine me and my ambitions.
Why do you want a graduate degree from LUMS? How will you benefit from the programme you wish to attend at LUMS?
1. Money. Basically. I have heard that people with a LUMS degree earn shitloads of money. So. Yea.
2. The “Mahol” at LUMS is awesome.
..............
You get the idea.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Bash Thy Army
Bashing the military is a favourite past time of the ones who have been enlightened, and rightly so. An increasing number of cool boys now also want to be enlightened, so they have taken to bashing the army too. The tool is a laptop; the location is their cosy house in Defence.
The new army bashers however, in my humble view, need to know a thing or two before launching into a gallant bayonet charge. So I have decided to help them out and will now try to explain how to effectively bash the malicious military, or how to do it ineffectively.
Props to my dear mentor and angry middle aged man, Nadeem F. Paracha; for the master is once again a step ahead of the pupil. He knows the young ones need guidance, so he recently demonstrated how NOT to bash the military.
“We have latest fighter jets for the military, but rickety 27-yr-old passenger planes for the people. Doesn't sound right.”
Let’s put aside the fact that it is terribly distasteful to try and use a tragedy to further your own agenda, and focus on the content.
The rickety 27-year old passenger plane that went down did not belong to the PIA; it belonged to a private airline, so the comparison with military jets does seem ridiculous. They don’t have the same source. The latest military jets also do crash and there have been multiple instances in the current year already.
In any case, Pakistan is doling out billions to the national air carrier so that handpicked Jiyalas in the management can have the prettiest air hostesses to mingle with.
NFP knows all of this, probably better than I do. However when Bhoja crashed a lot of the reactionary anger on social media was directed at the PPP. Naturally, the Jiyala in him had to alter the discourse, so he came up with the above mentioned gem.
We shall get back to this later. Let’s go through other NOT to do bashing routines first.
Another wrong way of doing it is stating incorrect, made-up figures. So vehement had the propaganda been regards the Army’s share of national budget that an army officer’s son once convinced me the military gets 60 percent.
This misrepresentation then allows Ashfaq Pervez Kayani to correct you with a smug look on his face. The share proposed in the next budget is 20 percent, although ET will tell you that coupled with the 2 percent for education, not with the many percents spent on loan repayments to our foreign benefactors. Najam Sethi will add around 5 to 10 percent for allowances and/or pensions.
One more thing I have noticed is the overzealous criticism of the military by some of its main beneficiaries. Yes, I am looking at you; supporters of the Sher who is also Ameer-ul-Momineen. Without any political achievements to boast about, certain people and their supporters have decided to just spout nonsense in this regard; framing it as their biggest draw.
It’s probably because they believe everyone has magically forgotten the identity of Gen Zia-ul-Haq’s Chief Minister in Punjab. Or perhaps they don’t know who Chotay Mian Sahab came to meet in Rawalpindi the night before Long March.
Going back to NFP, the point he was obviously trying to make is that bashing for the sake of it seems stupid. In fact, these are all examples of partisan bashing and people are able to see through them now. Therefore, all they do is harm the good cause. A large section of the population relates patriotism with the military, for good or for bad. With the unwarranted, shallow and often baseless criticism of the institution, enlightened ones continue to alienate those who might otherwise realise that the army has transgressed on many occasions.
There was much momentum gained to this end in the last few years of Musharraf, momentum that could have been harnessed to effectively curb the influence of our establishment. The shenanigans of the political elite however have slowly eroded that momentum. Whose fault is that?
I had grown tired of hearing it and now, thanks to the memo-gate, the excuse that the elite are helpless is no longer a valid argument either. To protect one of their own, they can stare down the combined might of the military and the judiciary, and are helpless only when rights violations are committed against people whose votes don’t matter to them?
In a democratic country, the onus should be on the political class to take the lead in tackling all issues. Questions are to be asked of them, and they have to provide the answers. Try doing that in Pakistan and you will get ridiculed by a certain section of the press who believes the military is responsible for all evil.
Well, even if it is, ask the people you voted for to do something about it. How does the military being wrong make the ruling class saints? It’s the most amazing, awesome logic ever crafted.
The irony is that the politicians they are trying to protect are the same ones who have benefited from the military in the past and continue to do so in the present. The relationship works both ways, appointing the Air Chief Marshal as MD PIA is just another example.
It is also a fact that the Chief of Army Staff is NOT appointed through a general vote, nor is the head of the ISI. Directly, the people cannot hold them accountable. So at the end of the day, you and I can only vote people into parliament and it is up to them to take the military to task.
Bypassing the face of the government seemed logical when a serving Army Chief was also the President. He is not anymore; Bhutto’s spiritual son has taken over. Wake up and ask him to settle matters with the man who gave him an NRO.
The new army bashers however, in my humble view, need to know a thing or two before launching into a gallant bayonet charge. So I have decided to help them out and will now try to explain how to effectively bash the malicious military, or how to do it ineffectively.
Props to my dear mentor and angry middle aged man, Nadeem F. Paracha; for the master is once again a step ahead of the pupil. He knows the young ones need guidance, so he recently demonstrated how NOT to bash the military.
“We have latest fighter jets for the military, but rickety 27-yr-old passenger planes for the people. Doesn't sound right.”
Let’s put aside the fact that it is terribly distasteful to try and use a tragedy to further your own agenda, and focus on the content.
The rickety 27-year old passenger plane that went down did not belong to the PIA; it belonged to a private airline, so the comparison with military jets does seem ridiculous. They don’t have the same source. The latest military jets also do crash and there have been multiple instances in the current year already.
In any case, Pakistan is doling out billions to the national air carrier so that handpicked Jiyalas in the management can have the prettiest air hostesses to mingle with.
NFP knows all of this, probably better than I do. However when Bhoja crashed a lot of the reactionary anger on social media was directed at the PPP. Naturally, the Jiyala in him had to alter the discourse, so he came up with the above mentioned gem.
We shall get back to this later. Let’s go through other NOT to do bashing routines first.
Another wrong way of doing it is stating incorrect, made-up figures. So vehement had the propaganda been regards the Army’s share of national budget that an army officer’s son once convinced me the military gets 60 percent.
This misrepresentation then allows Ashfaq Pervez Kayani to correct you with a smug look on his face. The share proposed in the next budget is 20 percent, although ET will tell you that coupled with the 2 percent for education, not with the many percents spent on loan repayments to our foreign benefactors. Najam Sethi will add around 5 to 10 percent for allowances and/or pensions.
One more thing I have noticed is the overzealous criticism of the military by some of its main beneficiaries. Yes, I am looking at you; supporters of the Sher who is also Ameer-ul-Momineen. Without any political achievements to boast about, certain people and their supporters have decided to just spout nonsense in this regard; framing it as their biggest draw.
It’s probably because they believe everyone has magically forgotten the identity of Gen Zia-ul-Haq’s Chief Minister in Punjab. Or perhaps they don’t know who Chotay Mian Sahab came to meet in Rawalpindi the night before Long March.
Going back to NFP, the point he was obviously trying to make is that bashing for the sake of it seems stupid. In fact, these are all examples of partisan bashing and people are able to see through them now. Therefore, all they do is harm the good cause. A large section of the population relates patriotism with the military, for good or for bad. With the unwarranted, shallow and often baseless criticism of the institution, enlightened ones continue to alienate those who might otherwise realise that the army has transgressed on many occasions.
There was much momentum gained to this end in the last few years of Musharraf, momentum that could have been harnessed to effectively curb the influence of our establishment. The shenanigans of the political elite however have slowly eroded that momentum. Whose fault is that?
I had grown tired of hearing it and now, thanks to the memo-gate, the excuse that the elite are helpless is no longer a valid argument either. To protect one of their own, they can stare down the combined might of the military and the judiciary, and are helpless only when rights violations are committed against people whose votes don’t matter to them?
In a democratic country, the onus should be on the political class to take the lead in tackling all issues. Questions are to be asked of them, and they have to provide the answers. Try doing that in Pakistan and you will get ridiculed by a certain section of the press who believes the military is responsible for all evil.
Well, even if it is, ask the people you voted for to do something about it. How does the military being wrong make the ruling class saints? It’s the most amazing, awesome logic ever crafted.
The irony is that the politicians they are trying to protect are the same ones who have benefited from the military in the past and continue to do so in the present. The relationship works both ways, appointing the Air Chief Marshal as MD PIA is just another example.
It is also a fact that the Chief of Army Staff is NOT appointed through a general vote, nor is the head of the ISI. Directly, the people cannot hold them accountable. So at the end of the day, you and I can only vote people into parliament and it is up to them to take the military to task.
Bypassing the face of the government seemed logical when a serving Army Chief was also the President. He is not anymore; Bhutto’s spiritual son has taken over. Wake up and ask him to settle matters with the man who gave him an NRO.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Emo Post: Repressing The Pain.
I closed my eyes when I realized what had come to pass. Sat there quietly for a moment; regaining composure. Got up, turned the TV off, walked out and just stared into the darkness.
Stood there for a while, not sure what to make of it. Went for a little stroll too, wandering aimlessly in the street. I needed to be alone.
I knew then that things wouldn’t go back to how they were before. I felt helpless, yes, and there was anger, but it quickly faded into sorrow. Then to despair. I don’t even know how many emotions I went through in those moments, or which ones exactly.
Could things have turned out differently? I asked myself. Was there another way? Was there a separate path, one that led elsewhere, just not here? It was a futile exercise though, because things were never in my hands, they were never in my control.
I was but a mere spectator.
Haunted, and troubled, I turned to the one person I knew would comfort me. She consoled me, she did. She told me it was OK to be sad and, most importantly, she told me to move on because there was bound to be a happy ending. She said there is always a happy ending.
I was young, very young. It was an impressionable age. I guess it’s just natural how I reacted, how long it took me to recover.
Looking back at it, to that day in particular, I cannot help but smile. Isn’t that a surprise?
There indeed was a happy ending. Everything they tell you; you will move on, you will get better, it’s just a phase, it is all true. Life just goes on and it would be funny if it weren’t actually cruel.
I am happy today, well, I am how people are. I laugh and cry, I love and hate. I go out with friends and I spend time with my family. I have it all, in a way.
I might not be the person I was, but that doesn’t really matter.
Today, I am busy with what is now. There is the odd occasion though when the mind goes back in time, when it comes back to you. The heartache comes back, that gut wrenching feeling, the anger, the sorrow.
I guess a part of me will never really move on, a part of me will always hang on to that memory, and to the pain.
The pain I felt that day, the pain that lives on in me, the pain that reminds me.
Mufasa was killed.
And Simba was blamed for it.
Stood there for a while, not sure what to make of it. Went for a little stroll too, wandering aimlessly in the street. I needed to be alone.
I knew then that things wouldn’t go back to how they were before. I felt helpless, yes, and there was anger, but it quickly faded into sorrow. Then to despair. I don’t even know how many emotions I went through in those moments, or which ones exactly.
Could things have turned out differently? I asked myself. Was there another way? Was there a separate path, one that led elsewhere, just not here? It was a futile exercise though, because things were never in my hands, they were never in my control.
I was but a mere spectator.
Haunted, and troubled, I turned to the one person I knew would comfort me. She consoled me, she did. She told me it was OK to be sad and, most importantly, she told me to move on because there was bound to be a happy ending. She said there is always a happy ending.
I was young, very young. It was an impressionable age. I guess it’s just natural how I reacted, how long it took me to recover.
Looking back at it, to that day in particular, I cannot help but smile. Isn’t that a surprise?
There indeed was a happy ending. Everything they tell you; you will move on, you will get better, it’s just a phase, it is all true. Life just goes on and it would be funny if it weren’t actually cruel.
I am happy today, well, I am how people are. I laugh and cry, I love and hate. I go out with friends and I spend time with my family. I have it all, in a way.
I might not be the person I was, but that doesn’t really matter.
Today, I am busy with what is now. There is the odd occasion though when the mind goes back in time, when it comes back to you. The heartache comes back, that gut wrenching feeling, the anger, the sorrow.
I guess a part of me will never really move on, a part of me will always hang on to that memory, and to the pain.
The pain I felt that day, the pain that lives on in me, the pain that reminds me.
Mufasa was killed.
And Simba was blamed for it.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Karachi Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned
For 2 days now Karachi is at a standstill. Life as we know it has stopped; there are no teenagers making movie plans, no families heading out to the beach, even the “Mailla” motorcycle gymnasts have dismounted their rides and put on the helmets, at least for the time being.
Instead, the roads are littered with burning vehicles, the streets echo with cries and gunshots, and many a corpse lies unattended by the pavement. Children and adults alike have been taken by fear, dread and naked panic, all because of the dastardly Wives. And girlfriends.
Yes, the Wives & GFs of Karachi are on the loose once again. These fashionable terror machines have been largely uncontrollable for the past 4 years and, after a brief lull, are back on the scene.
The Gov of Pakistan has taken steps to pacify the Wives & GFs in the past, to varying success. However to control them, we must first understand the phenomenon of savage Wives & GFs. Unfortunately, intellectual circles are divided over why the Wives & GFs continue to sabotage the city. The most widely accepted view is that of cultural critic and human trafficking enthusiast Nadeem F. Paracha.
“The Wives & GFs have always been a leftist entity, and were prosperous under the reign of King Zulfiqar Bhutto, and in that of his daddy, Gen Ayub Khan. These secularist forces however were put under duress with the arrival of Gen Zia. Years of oppression only strengthened the intrinsic liberal tendencies of Wives & GFs.” Mr. Paracha writes.
“After Zia’s demise, the PPP government was not given enough time, thus making the Wives & GFs bitchier. In the late 90s these women decided to take household matters into their own hands, and this secular movement soon translated onto the political spectrum in Karachi. As the Wives & GFs gained more power, they developed a sense of entitlement which, as I pointed out at the time, was a dangerous step.”
“Now that they have entrenched themselves into the system thanks to backing of rightwing forces, they have turned violent and taken the city hostage. They have also fractioned into different groups, just as the powers that be had planned for them to.” He concludes.
This brings us to the present, with tension flaring up once again between different factions of Wives & GFs. As is often the case when women fight; man paid the price, and in Karachi, prices are sky high.
It is believed that a in a “mushaira”, one Wife caught her husband attending without her permission. She, naturally, shot him dead. Said husband had a girlfriend, who then killed two of the wife’s, who was now a self made widow, lovers.
The next day all hell broke loose. Wives & GFs all over the city went into frenzy. For months they had sat in their homes; silently texting away during the day and calling strangers for some adulterous talk in the night, not anymore. Their many concerns, like the lack of quality lipsticks or the costlier gifts their BFF was receiving, drove them into a rage that the city just couldn’t handle. Girls gone wild, not the good kind.
In fact, many Wives & GFs have admitted to different reasons for killing their husbands or boyfriends or just about anyone else. One Zafira Baloch from Lyari quipped:
“I wanted a microwave oven and my husband bought it for me, but with all the load-shedding I naturally needed a UPS to go with it. I asked my second boyfriend to get me one and he refused. So you see my hands were tied, actually *hehehe* his hands were, if you know what I mean” she said with an inviting smile.
A famous “GF” of the posh Defence area, known amongst her friends as Babra “Goori”, also had a fascinating tale.
“I have been going out with this Industrialist for a year now. He is much older than me, but we have fun together. We connect, you know, he understands me. Anyway, I wanted his seaside bungalow but it was registered in his son’s name. I shot him thrice, in the head. I really love the view from that place, you should come some time.”
Aapa Syeda Shaheen is a regular housewife. She explained how she wasn’t at fault over what had happened.
“I have been loyal to my “marad” for 15 years. Esa figure hota tha mera, log marte they. Now look at me, I am a cow. For him, I sacrificed everything, and the other day I caught him with that skinny slut model from Clifton. Rage came over me and I blacked out. When I regained consciousness, he was lying in pool of blood and I had a frying pan in my hand.”
Despite the open admissions of these, and many more, Wives & GFs to their crimes, the law enforcement agencies seem helpless to apprehend them.
Interior Minister Rehman Malik sat down with me for a candid interview to explain why.
“Cekurity is not easy thing to provide. I have tried my level best and I think done a fantastical job so far. However, we cannot be everywhere all the time.” The Minister said, fondly stroking his shocking pink tie, with green unicorns emblazoned on it.
Sir, but what about those Wives & GFs that have been arrested?
“They will be released very soon. As you know, I think of even enemies’ sisters as my sisters. So how can I take action against my sisters? It is ridiculas, cekurity is good. The Wives & GFs are peaceful”
Then why do they keep killing people?
“It is the weather. As you know, the summers are approaching and the temperature is rising. From today I have banned all spicy food in the city of Karachi. Once there is no spicy food, you will see the violence will vanish. President Zardari has already taken notice of the spicy food.”
Sir, will there be any relief packages for the victims?
“The victims are already dead. What do they need relief from? We have a package for the Wives & GFs of the city, so that they remain peaceful and do not complain again. We will be giving all of them discounts on Lawn. 50% off. The money will be provided through BISP.”
“Another promise of BB Shaheed will be fulfilled; Roti, Kapra aur Lawn.”
The Minister looked very confident saying that last part, and there was a twinkle in his eye, warmth in his smile; the look of a man who knew what he was doing. As I walked out of the interview, I knew that the future of the City Of Lights was about to get even brighter.
Instead, the roads are littered with burning vehicles, the streets echo with cries and gunshots, and many a corpse lies unattended by the pavement. Children and adults alike have been taken by fear, dread and naked panic, all because of the dastardly Wives. And girlfriends.
Yes, the Wives & GFs of Karachi are on the loose once again. These fashionable terror machines have been largely uncontrollable for the past 4 years and, after a brief lull, are back on the scene.
The Gov of Pakistan has taken steps to pacify the Wives & GFs in the past, to varying success. However to control them, we must first understand the phenomenon of savage Wives & GFs. Unfortunately, intellectual circles are divided over why the Wives & GFs continue to sabotage the city. The most widely accepted view is that of cultural critic and human trafficking enthusiast Nadeem F. Paracha.
“The Wives & GFs have always been a leftist entity, and were prosperous under the reign of King Zulfiqar Bhutto, and in that of his daddy, Gen Ayub Khan. These secularist forces however were put under duress with the arrival of Gen Zia. Years of oppression only strengthened the intrinsic liberal tendencies of Wives & GFs.” Mr. Paracha writes.
“After Zia’s demise, the PPP government was not given enough time, thus making the Wives & GFs bitchier. In the late 90s these women decided to take household matters into their own hands, and this secular movement soon translated onto the political spectrum in Karachi. As the Wives & GFs gained more power, they developed a sense of entitlement which, as I pointed out at the time, was a dangerous step.”
“Now that they have entrenched themselves into the system thanks to backing of rightwing forces, they have turned violent and taken the city hostage. They have also fractioned into different groups, just as the powers that be had planned for them to.” He concludes.
This brings us to the present, with tension flaring up once again between different factions of Wives & GFs. As is often the case when women fight; man paid the price, and in Karachi, prices are sky high.
It is believed that a in a “mushaira”, one Wife caught her husband attending without her permission. She, naturally, shot him dead. Said husband had a girlfriend, who then killed two of the wife’s, who was now a self made widow, lovers.
The next day all hell broke loose. Wives & GFs all over the city went into frenzy. For months they had sat in their homes; silently texting away during the day and calling strangers for some adulterous talk in the night, not anymore. Their many concerns, like the lack of quality lipsticks or the costlier gifts their BFF was receiving, drove them into a rage that the city just couldn’t handle. Girls gone wild, not the good kind.
In fact, many Wives & GFs have admitted to different reasons for killing their husbands or boyfriends or just about anyone else. One Zafira Baloch from Lyari quipped:
“I wanted a microwave oven and my husband bought it for me, but with all the load-shedding I naturally needed a UPS to go with it. I asked my second boyfriend to get me one and he refused. So you see my hands were tied, actually *hehehe* his hands were, if you know what I mean” she said with an inviting smile.
A famous “GF” of the posh Defence area, known amongst her friends as Babra “Goori”, also had a fascinating tale.
“I have been going out with this Industrialist for a year now. He is much older than me, but we have fun together. We connect, you know, he understands me. Anyway, I wanted his seaside bungalow but it was registered in his son’s name. I shot him thrice, in the head. I really love the view from that place, you should come some time.”
Aapa Syeda Shaheen is a regular housewife. She explained how she wasn’t at fault over what had happened.
“I have been loyal to my “marad” for 15 years. Esa figure hota tha mera, log marte they. Now look at me, I am a cow. For him, I sacrificed everything, and the other day I caught him with that skinny slut model from Clifton. Rage came over me and I blacked out. When I regained consciousness, he was lying in pool of blood and I had a frying pan in my hand.”
Despite the open admissions of these, and many more, Wives & GFs to their crimes, the law enforcement agencies seem helpless to apprehend them.
Interior Minister Rehman Malik sat down with me for a candid interview to explain why.
“Cekurity is not easy thing to provide. I have tried my level best and I think done a fantastical job so far. However, we cannot be everywhere all the time.” The Minister said, fondly stroking his shocking pink tie, with green unicorns emblazoned on it.
Sir, but what about those Wives & GFs that have been arrested?
“They will be released very soon. As you know, I think of even enemies’ sisters as my sisters. So how can I take action against my sisters? It is ridiculas, cekurity is good. The Wives & GFs are peaceful”
Then why do they keep killing people?
“It is the weather. As you know, the summers are approaching and the temperature is rising. From today I have banned all spicy food in the city of Karachi. Once there is no spicy food, you will see the violence will vanish. President Zardari has already taken notice of the spicy food.”
Sir, will there be any relief packages for the victims?
“The victims are already dead. What do they need relief from? We have a package for the Wives & GFs of the city, so that they remain peaceful and do not complain again. We will be giving all of them discounts on Lawn. 50% off. The money will be provided through BISP.”
“Another promise of BB Shaheed will be fulfilled; Roti, Kapra aur Lawn.”
The Minister looked very confident saying that last part, and there was a twinkle in his eye, warmth in his smile; the look of a man who knew what he was doing. As I walked out of the interview, I knew that the future of the City Of Lights was about to get even brighter.
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